When no one listens.

It's hard to try and get back into this when I am unable to write at work, when I am at home I am either so exhausted or so busy that I don't even have time to pick up the iPad.

   I'm far different in real life than I am on here, and that's a double sided sword.  I'm very quiet in the beginning, I pay very close attention to my surroundings, I  am very weary, I don't let many people in, I have few friends, maybe no real friends.  I have acquaintances, people I surround myself with when it suits me, but no one that I can pick the phone up and call when I'm having a bad day. No one I can call and cry to when Atlas and I have gotten into an argument.

I spend a lot of time with my kids, and my grandma, and waiting on Atlas to give me the time of day. The man loves me more than he loves himself, but sometimes I wonder why my desire to spend time with him is so much higher than his for me. Maybe I'm not everything that I used to be.

 I work a lot,  a lot of strange hours, weekends, nights, holidays. I'm a nurse and that's just part of the job. It's a job I love, a lot, and one I know I will always be able to find work in and provide for my family.  Maybe it's partly my job that keeps me in this funk. Switching constantly from night shift to day shift. Watching peoples lives change in front of their eyes, being a deciding factor on someone's medical care and truly caring for everyone I take care of at work. It's hard caring for everyone around you, all the time and not getting it reciprocated.  My patients rarely say thank you, maybe it's because they don't know I just saved their life from a medical error, or saved their body from a surgery by  doing the right interventions or made their baby breathe when it didn't really want to. Maybe they didn't know...or maybe thought thought they were entitled to that care.

Then at home, I cook and clean and do laundry and dishes, and yard work and homework, and the grocery shopping and no one bats an eye. But if I work 4 nights in a row, and dinner isn't made or the laundry isn't done... It's hard doing for everyone else's needs... I've learned a long time ago you can't be everything to everyone. Someone is always going to miss out on being taken care of and unfortunately, recently at least, it's been me.

Deep down, I'm horribly lonely. I think it's the reason I turned to this blog so many years ago, and the reason I still come back.  I need someone to talk to, to vent to, to listen maybe. I wish I had someone close I could just go sit and have coffee or a glass of wine and talk to. I can't tell the people I surround myself with now the things that are bouncing around in my head.   At least on here there is a sense of anonymity. I can more freely speak here than I could to any of my friends and in that I find solace.

The last couple months have been really rough on me.  I know it's only April but this year has already taken a toll on my mind.  I swore that this would be a better year, and maybe it will, there is still so much left, but gosh I feel like someone has ran me over with a truck most days.

What a depressing post... But it's how I'm feeling tonight, and sometimes, it's just what needs said, even when no one is listening.

Long Overdue.

It's no secret to the people that I still communicate with that it is difficult to keep up these two sides of me.  That there is always a battle between real life me, and Hera. That sometimes real life just needs the real life me... And Hera, although she is a wonderful, ambitious, beautiful part of me has to wait in the shadows because she can't be the real me. The real me, tends to be more politically correct, and morally right, makes good decisions for the future and often goes with flow of things. The real life me doesn't cause many ripples. But Hera which I feel  is more true to who I am than the person I am allowed to be.  Hera is wide open, she's honest,  she treats people how they deserve to be treated, she loves, and lusts, and does all this without feeling guilty for those things.

I am going to start blogging again. Regularly. It makes me feel good and I enjoy the people I have had the opportunity to befriend through this blog.

So this is me... Finally stating that I'm back. Finally...I am back.

Is it over yet?

I'm kind of wishing the summer away. I had a lot of fun with my kids gone. I  have had a lot of fun with them home... but I am ready for school to start and to get into a schedule that is normal again. I just want to be normal again. Just for a little while.

So... "sleeping bag kid" who I was chatting with online for like a month... is not allowed to talk to me anymore. His wife... who I was told was only a paperwork thing, and that they don't get along and its only for the insurance right now... sends me a message, that we shouldn't talk anymore because she feels like we crossed a "friend" line, and that she is sure my husband would agree...

***screeching tires*** First, I went back through all of our messages. I did say a few things that were mildly inappropriate, but nothing I wouldn't say to someone I have known for 20 plus years... Did I ever once say anything to make him think I liked him anymore than a friend... no... Did I ask about his wife and kids on a regular basis, yes. Does he know I am happily married... yes... Did he say a few questionable things? Yes... Like he would have a naked good time... which I responded, not naked, but a good time. When I asked what he thought about me, his response was " I should have married you when I had the chance" My response " I'm flattered you'd think that" I said  few times that things may be a lot different right now if we would of put some effort into whatever we were as teenagers. That's not a lie, he knows it, Atlas knows that too. I am also guessing his wife knows it. hmmm... So... for now, I will let it be, I never meant to be a problem, He messaged me out of the blue, I just thought he wanted to talk for awhile... perhaps his wife thinks he may of had other intentions... He was never that bright...

So for now... I am laying low, only trying to get into trouble with people who have as much to lose as I do if we would get into trouble... I feel its safer that way. For me, screwing around with some construction worker who is having a hard time making ends meet, and isn't happy in his marriage may be fun... but when we get caught, and his buddies are high fiving him, I am losing my happy marriage, as well as respect and other parts of a well paying, well respected profession... For as much fun as it might be in that moment its not worth it... maybe that is the lesson I have learned this summer. For now that I just wish it would be over so we can get on with the next part of this year...

Too close for Comfort

He sends me dirty messages,
says he wanted to message me most of the day but stopped himself
He said I don't know what it was in that home made alcohol but I sure did have some strange dreams
he has dirty dreams about me...


He's my friend's husband
She works with me
She is pregnant with baby number two....

I can't do that... its far too close to enjoy it... I deleted him from my contacts and my facebook...
Ugh.... I can't look at her the same way because I know what kind of guy he is now.

Just a Baby

His hands rubbed my neck sliding skillfully down to my shoulders.  I shamelessly leaned back into him, closing my eyes, as his hand slid to the nape of my neck.  He talked over my shoulder, close enough for me to hear but not nearly loud enough for everyone around us to hear. I leaned my head back into his hand as he gripped the back of my head.  I leaned forward as his strong hands worked the knots in my upper back, gliding over my ribs to the small of my back. He rubbed my back and my neck and my shoulders and I melted into his hands, shamelessly leaning back into him.

"How old are you?" I asked
"21," he replied never taking his hands off me.
" You are just a baby." I answered him
" Anything you want to call me" He said sliding into the chair next to me.  We chatted most of the night, and then I went home, to my respective bed, alone... after all what would I do with that?  :)

When it rains... it pours....

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" Only men need to loved sweetheart, Women, women need to feel wanted."

I am at an age that I know exactly what I want, at least what I want right now at this moment. I know what I want out of my marriage most of the time, out of my career, out of myself.  I know exactly how I want to feel... but I just can't find that feeling... not now... but I'm hoping to find it.

I have spent the last couple weeks alone. Working but coming home to an empty house, the kids are away for the summer and Atlas won't be home till early next year... so I have had plenty of time to think, to dwell, to fall in love, with the silence, with the peace, with what I want.  For the first time in ten years I can focus on what I want to do.  When someone asks me if I want to go do something I don't have to make a million plans to figure out how to do it, I just need to decide if I want to do it or not.

What do I want right now? I want to flirt with you. Shamelessly. I want to feel wanted. To be desired.   I don't need anyone to love me... Honestly its better if you don't... but wanted, desired... oh yes, please and more.   I don't want to set you up, I don't want to love you. My heart already belongs to someone else, so completely that the thought of anything else seems like settling for something less... (minus the few exceptions to that rule that those of you who know me already know).

I love the feeling of flirting with someone, particularly someone new, who can't take their eyes off you. Who is wondering what is going on in your head, wondering what the skin on your shoulder feels like, what your lips would feel on their neck... I love the flirting, the chase, the idea of someone new.   But the actual thought of it freaks me the fuck out. 

So, your homework... dream about me, think about me, want to fuck me, desire me, and but please don't  fall in love with  me.

Crash my Party

So This summer started off okay. Take the good with the bad. I have been spending a lot of time outside. A lot of time with friends, staying busy, working more than I than I want to but staying busy is the important part. I started off the summer by going to the Luke Bryan concert, where I managed to stay out of trouble despite a half a bottle of American Honey and a couple swigs of moonshine.  I am heading to another concert next week but between now and then I have a bunch of work days, some travel days, a lot of cleaning and a few other odds and ends. Anyway, this is a photo I shared with Jack as I was getting ready for the Luke Bryan concert... I guess it is shareworthy. Enjoy. I will be around.

A good Friend

A good friend will answer your message that you are in town for the night and wondered if anyone wanted to get together, he'll pick you up at home so you don't have to drive and he'll take you out to the bar, he'll have a few drinks with you and laugh a little too much, he will answer your drunk emails  that you were thinking about him and he'll make you smile but a Great Friend...

A Great Friend will buy you too many drinks because you have so much to celebrate since you haven't seen eachother in years,  He'll slow dance with you without grabbing your ass, he'll carry you into your room when you tell him your legs won't work from said drinks, He will tuck you into bed after helping you take off your shoes and bra and he'll do most of that without to copping too much of  a feel, he'll put the trash can next to the bed in case the room ever stops spinning and you need somewhere to puke. He'll laugh at you and you won't care, and then he will slide next to you in bed... put his arm around you and tell you that all the troubles in the world are going to go away....

When you wake up in the morning feeling embarressed, the good friend would of already of went and got you coffee, had the motrin waiting and clean towels next to the shower... A great friend though, will be the one who is laying next to you because he was too worried that you were going to get up and leave while you he was out getting coffee... He will smile when he sees you hungover and you may wonder why this great friend was never anything more than a awkward teenage night in a sleeping bag...

Yeah... it was an awesome weekend. I was priveldged enough to meet up with an old friend for drinks, no funny business,  no expectations, nothing to worry about... just happy to be there.

Bike Ride

His eyes were complemented by the blond locks of hair that fell into them. I was enchanted with him. I had been since the moment I saw him pull up to the park on his bike. It had been so long since i had been on the back of a bike I was willing to take my chances. He was a friend of a friend, he couldnt be all that bad after all.

He tipped his sunglasses and smiled, nodded me towards the back when I walked up. Then he took off his helmet and gave it to me. I slid it on and hopped on the back of his bike. It was comfy much like I remember. I miss being on a bike. We took off down the road, turning and leaning and so much of what I missed in the freedom.   My arms wrapped around him to be there, not just to hold on, I wasn't going to fall off. As the ride progressed he leaned back into me, allowing me to wrap my arms tighter around him then he would pull the throttle back and off we went. When our ride had ended he got off the bike and leaned on it as we talked. Smiling, interested in what I had to say, interested in me...

The roughness of his hands is what caught me off guard. Or maybe the fact that they were on me at all. I jumped as his hand slid over the bare skin of my shoulder, down to the small of my back. He pulled me up against him, the hair of his beard scruffy against my neck as he breathed me in. I simply tried to find my breathe. I was lost in the moment. Nothing I had ever expected to happen... He was not what I had expected to happen.  With his free hand he reached up and pulled my hair down. Pulling my face to look up towards his. When his mouth was on mine it was like fire... I was shocked, stunned, we were outside, where people could see us, where people had seen us... But this... was the most amazing moment.