Poly... what?

So I watch big love... and sisterwives... and i follow polygamy blogs and what not. Its not for me, not now, at this point in my life. But I can truly see the appealing parts of it, more than one wife means more than one mother, more than one perosn to make lunches, or to babysit or to help out when needed... but ti also means, more than one situation that had its own set of situations.

I never heard about that lifestyle or any other until long after I was married. I could never be a "first wife" the thought of sharing Atlas, even through text messages makes me nuts but if this wasn't my life... I believe I have the ability that I would of made a great 2nd or 3rd wife.

Okay I see what you are thinking... how can you share? Well if you go into a relationship knowing... knowing is the key.... that you have to share, that the money, time, and attention will be shared then you have joined that relationship just like someone joins a monogamous relationship thinking its going to be just two people throughout all time.

Atlas and I are perfect. We have our issues just like every other couple but we see past them, most of them at least. We are truly a team, and work together to achieve both of our goals... but if atlas told me he was in love with another and he wanted both of us... I would leave... however If I went into the relationship knowing that someone else was in love with other people then it might work? Am I making sense?

Anyway... I am so happy that some of the polyamorous, polygamy families are getting more publicity and more understanding... If they are all consenting adults, and it works... then why not?

In other news... I was up sick on Tuesday morning around 3am, so I checked the phone that was closest sitting ont he dresser to find Text messages from atlas to another woman around 11 pm... Nothing important... basics " what are you doing" "just laid down u" "playing poker" and that was it... should I take it as more or an I overreacting? Given our electronic past... I am hesitant... saddened by it a bit... worried... not really... after 7 years of nearly perfect marriage i ahve very little to worry about... but still.... what it..

Some people just don't get it

So... I haven't blogged in... aw forever but Atlas is out of town and as I vented to him via texted I realized he just doesn't get it... When the response to " I am so overwhelmed I don't know what to do" is " I will help. When I can." I gave up the hope that he actually understood where I was coming from. Any fulltime mother, and fulltime worker understands sometimes you just need a break. I am taking 25 credits this semester... did i mention that? Am I insane? No, it was an accident and after it was paid for its either do it or eat the 3800$.

Next up is my live in grandmother who god bless her helps witht he kids while I spend tuesday and thursday at clinicals that are 2 hour drive away from the house... yes 4 hour commute a day twice a week but she is kinda driving me nuts. Sometimes its worse than having another small child. At least I can beat the child right... okay maybe not entirely true but you get the point. A good example of how my day went, get up unload dishwasher, reload start, go to laundry room, move clothes from washer to dryer load washer start. Wake up daughter, dress her pack her lunch. Get dressed myself, pack my things for school, check daughters bag for school, forget breakfast, make toast, drive daughter to preshcool, walk her in, drive myself 40 minutes to school, park 1 mile from my class, catch a commuter bus to the main campus and then go to a 50 minute class. Yes 50 minutes. leave class, catch another communter bus back to my car, drive 40 minutes home, get home, make lunch for son and I. Start homework. Go pick u daughter at preschool, go to rite aid to get meds for grandmother, go to grocery store for finishing touches for dinner, return home, vaccuum livingroom, bedroom, and kitchen, finish homework, start dinner, make everyone's plate including grandmother, clean up dinner, my plate in sink kids plates scrapped adn in sink, put away left overs and I look over and grandmother's plate is still sitting on the table, she is outside on her phone. When she comes in, I am in the landry room folding cloths, "I'm done" she says and goes into her room. So what do I do? Walk her clean cloths into her room, take my laundry into my room and leave her plate fork knife and glass sit on the clean table... Excuse me... but I am beat!

Here's the other thing on my mind... My mother just got home from vacation in Flordia... My uncle and aunt returned last week from the Bahamas... I don't want to hear about your vacation... I have not had a vacation since I joined my job 7 years ago... Atlas and I make six figures but can't find the time to get away on a decent vacation... Maybe he just isn't trying...

I feel lost...

So much has happened this past week that I just need an outlet. Nothing has happened in my life but everyone around me seems to be having life altering moments. One woman who I was relatively close with, who saved my marriage when I didn't know it needed saved, got divorced. She was married at a young age, her and her husband seemed happy, content, They do have two children, a son and a daughter who are both autistic. I would love to hear what happened but... I doubt I will ever know what actually happened. We worked together before, close together and she did flirt, with a few of the men we worked with, and there were rumors that more had happened with a certain doctor... but I never believed them because she was always very family oriented, very marriage oriented. Her husband was a stay at home dad while she worked as a Nurse. Interesting.

One of the wives of Atlas' coworker lost her baby. It was not just a miscarriage which is devastating on its own but she was 20 weeks along. She went in for her ultrasound to find out the sex and they could not find a heartbeat. I was heart broken to hear the news. It was to be their fourth child, an ooops baby but a baby none the less. They had a name picked out, the siblings were excited, and she had to go home after the ultrasound carrying a baby that was no longer alive. She had to wait 3 days before they induced her, and she delivered a baby that was already an angel. That just confirms the fact in my mind that I am completely content with my life, my children, and my husband and I do not desire anymore children.

Another friend of mine confided in me that her and her husband recently brought a third into the bedroom, and was considering 'dating' her as a couple. I find this so intriguing because I never even knew that they were considering that type of lifestyle.

Atlas is working long hours. He was promoted, and is taking the new job in stride. Its a good thing he has long legs and big feet. This has recently been putting a bit of downer on the lovin. It seems that our needs just aren't intertwining. One day I will be hot and ready to roll and I go shower and come out and Atlas is asleep. The next day Atlas is pawing to get my clothes off and I can barely stay awake long enough to get the kids in bed. Atlas is gone for the weekend as he will be next weekend and a few days in between. This is a busy time of year for our type of work and soon it will all be done and over with. There is such a huge focus on Atlas and his career right now. So much so that I am feeling left out, A "what about me" feeling". Atlas came up to me the other day, and said " I know right now I'm not what you need me, Im not putting the time into you that you deserve but I promise that someday, I will be completely focused, completely dedicated on everything that you need". It made me cry, and sometimes I think, its hard to see how bright our future is going to be, when its so damn cloudy today.

Then I look at the lives of people around me, and I see my husband who tries, who adores me, and my wonderful, beautiful, healthy, intelligent children and I know that I am blessed, and I am thankful.

Sex toys....

Im bored and I need suggestions of some fun stuff for me, and for hubby and I. Thanks a head of time cause I know someone out there will have good advice.

Is the Promise of 'someday' enough to get me through today?

I know I've been a bad blogger but I am gonna try and get into the swing of things again with summer dwindling and school starting again... I will be back soon.

I've been a horrible blogger

I know i know, I've been gone for a while. All summer actually, and not gone, not gone at all, just lurking. I haven't had the words to put into a blog and truthfully haven't had the time to sort through them. Everything is going well here. The summer is closing and it makes me extremely sad. I always feel like I have such big plans for summer and at the end they all seemed to have failed. Like epically failed.

I wanted to get away for a few days. That's it, I don't need a big eloborate vacation. A tent, a fishing pole, and a campfire would of worked just fine. But I didn't even get that oppertunity this year. I wanted to go to Great Lakes and see my baby sister graduate from bootcamp. I know what it feels like. There is no other feeling in the world and whether you serve 4 years of 30 you only get to graduate from bootcamp once and that was also blown out of the water.

I'm reflecting and I am kinda sad. We had the house to clean and stain ( loghome) I cleaned it, it took me two days... and then we didn't stain it, so... now we have log house that doesn't have any stain on it... If I had the 15K I would hire professionals but I don't know where all the money goes. The deck is cleaned, stained and sealed and that alone was a huge project, most of which I did... as Atlas work schedule is uncondusive to helping around the house even when it stays light out till 2100.

The hot tub still sits full of garbage... the goats are still living in a barn that is halfway falling in... and my mom, grandmother and sister all just got back from vacation last night. I wasn't invited because I have two small children and who wants that cramping thier style while they sit on a beach somewhere.

Another reason I blog today is I am just frustrated. I think in all aspects of my life. I go far above and beyond to be a good mother, a good wife. I shine Atlas' FUCKING shoes!!! I set his uniform out, I even wrote his evaluations for him, I did all this last night after everyone was asleep ( did I mention the sleeping issuesI have) but i

Another day in Paradise

Hello Everyone out there. Hows it going? I am eh. blah. I bought a hoagie yesterday brought it home. I ate a peice, my grandmother ate some, my son had some, and my daughter ate the bread and cheese. Last night my son was up all night throwing up, my grandmother up also throwing up, and today I have had an upset stomache but am not throwing up... So I am trying to fiugre out if it is a bug we picked up somewhere around the way or if it is some sort of food issue. I tossed the rest of the hoadie today just in case. I would rather be safe than sorry and its not worth it.

So Im sitting around the house, tying up some loose ends with my classes and taking care of my sick kiddo. Anyone with little kids knows though... he isn't sick until its too late. He's running around playing and then all of a sudden projectile vomit. BLAH. The weather is kinda chilly out and there is nothing to do outside until the weather breaks a little more. This weekend we are plowing the land and hopefully get some of the plants in the ground. I can't wait for the garden!!!

Otherwise everything else has been just rolling along. Atlas and I have been having hot, steamy, sex on an almost nightly basis. Well this is a nice break from studying but I have two finals tomarrow. I will update again soon.

HNT Insane results...

This is my week 4 progress picture from my workout. Im getting where I want to be. Another 5 weeks of work outs planned and then I am off to enjoy my summer with swimmnig and yardword and gardening and all the active things I can't do in the winter.

HHNT!!!!

I just need to vent a bit today. I didn't sleep well last night. Atlas and I climbed into bed around 1000 and were both sound asleep. However at 3am my daughter came into the bedroom to ask me to get her a juice box. Yes, I got up and got it put her back to bed adn tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't. So I wandered into the bathroom and saw Atlas' phone sitting on the sink charging. I reach over flip it open and check out the text messages. Something that I randomly do from time to time. There was a random array of work related texts, texts to me and then some random texts to a number that rang filmilar to me... but it said " ... one of the kids that he is responsibile for due to his jobs MOM"... hmmm random I think. there was a bunch of them so I start to read them from the begining then theres a break then again in the afternoon... "Good Morning." Atlas at 748 in the morning, shortly after he leaves our house, " Good morning How are you." " Good and yourself" "Good," " Its going to be an interesting week." Atlas. and then some other random texts... Nothing sexual, nothing out of the ordinary... just strange to me...

Atlas and I have gone a few rounds over cell phone use and text messages and the boundries of these things. Prior to us marrying Atlas used to text with a woman. They exchanged dirty texts and whatever but it was prior to marriage and I didn't really no about it much. Well shortly after the birth of our daughter we went home for a visit. Upon returning to Seattle Atlas was recieving text messages from "Mike". Upon seeing some of the messages perhaps ones that involves things like " I was going to take a bath and make myself cum thinking of you." got me quite upset. Think post partum furst time mother, only been married for a year and that puts you in my mind set... Well atlas promised to never text her again. And he didn't. He erased her number and that was that.

Then we moved back to the east coast to be closer to family. I moved back 6 months before he did. After about 6 months here I woke up late at night and looked at his phone to find messages of the same kind "I do look good today, for the meeting but Im bored out of my mind" Atlas " If I was there I would crawl under the table to suck your cock." UNknown... OH REALLY I thought when i saw this... I took the phone still opened to the text took atlas' asleep hand and placed the phone in it. I told him not to fucking come near me, and Im sure there was more, I was crying by the time I did that. We talked, I cried, he cried and apoligized, said it was nothing but stupid games on his phone. it was a girl his co worker always texts who took his business card and started messaging him, and it just got a bit out of control...

Anyway, after the tears and my anger, he promised not to text her anymore. I wrote her number down and kept it just in case. Well about two months after that as Atlas was outside cutting grass. He got a text from a " superior coworker" who i knew. He didn't seem like the kind of person to randomly send a text to ask how everything was going, guys don't just do that right? So I take out the number i put in safe keeping, typed it into his phone and hit send. Wouldn't you know that that "Superior coworker"'s name came up as if that's who I was calling... interesting right? So I confronted him, asked him why he was talking to her, better yet why he was lying about it. "I m not lying". he said. Putting someone else's name down as if it was their phone number is just as good as lying to me.

So that bring everyone up to date on why sometimes I randomlly check Atlas' text messages. Maybe I am crazy, maybe too pocessive, too jealous whatever. I always look at the aspect of how would Atlas feel when I do something. If I wrote dirty text messages about how much I want to suck someone's cock or how badly I want them to eat my pussy or fuck me" and atlas found those text messages I am sure that he would be angry and upset.

So what to do? Do I confront him over those random texts I found last night or should I wait until I find something more. Should I wait until i see messages about cock sucking and fucking and cumming before i let it get to me? I mean either way i kind of look like an asshole right? I trust Atlas not to go beyond text messages. But even then... is that too much. If the situation was reversed I know those text messages would be too much for him to take so why shouldn't it be too much for me. Why is there such a sexual double standard and should there be one?

I'm not angry, im not upset, not yet. Im just frustrated and I am not sure what to do about it.

Just a quick update

Last night Atlas and I went out to a rundown bar down the road from our house. We met some of the VFD members that is in Atlas' department and had a few drinks. WE left there witha few of them and went bowling. Yes bowling. I think I may have scored a 54 for the last one but that wasn't the point of bowling anyway. It was a good time, a good buzz and a night out. Atlas and I made it home, retired to bed and soon enough I was between his legs. Eyes closed, hands behind his head, moans escaping from his lips. It was delectable. I moved from his cock to his chest and when I did we noticed something...his cock fit perfectly between my cleavage. This is of course new and interesting for us and we explaored it further. It was so fucking hot! I remember finishing him off with my mouth but when I woke up this morning, the laundry was done, put away, the kitchen clean and the kids fed. Atlas was laying in bed next to me to tell me how much he loves me and how much fun he had last night.

I am very blessed to have everything that I do and everyday I am thankful that it is Atlas that I share my life with.