It's hard to try and get back into this when I am unable to write at work, when I am at home I am either so exhausted or so busy that I don't even have time to pick up the iPad.
I'm far different in real life than I am on here, and that's a double sided sword. I'm very quiet in the beginning, I pay very close attention to my surroundings, I am very weary, I don't let many people in, I have few friends, maybe no real friends. I have acquaintances, people I surround myself with when it suits me, but no one that I can pick the phone up and call when I'm having a bad day. No one I can call and cry to when Atlas and I have gotten into an argument.
I spend a lot of time with my kids, and my grandma, and waiting on Atlas to give me the time of day. The man loves me more than he loves himself, but sometimes I wonder why my desire to spend time with him is so much higher than his for me. Maybe I'm not everything that I used to be.
I work a lot, a lot of strange hours, weekends, nights, holidays. I'm a nurse and that's just part of the job. It's a job I love, a lot, and one I know I will always be able to find work in and provide for my family. Maybe it's partly my job that keeps me in this funk. Switching constantly from night shift to day shift. Watching peoples lives change in front of their eyes, being a deciding factor on someone's medical care and truly caring for everyone I take care of at work. It's hard caring for everyone around you, all the time and not getting it reciprocated. My patients rarely say thank you, maybe it's because they don't know I just saved their life from a medical error, or saved their body from a surgery by doing the right interventions or made their baby breathe when it didn't really want to. Maybe they didn't know...or maybe thought thought they were entitled to that care.
Then at home, I cook and clean and do laundry and dishes, and yard work and homework, and the grocery shopping and no one bats an eye. But if I work 4 nights in a row, and dinner isn't made or the laundry isn't done... It's hard doing for everyone else's needs... I've learned a long time ago you can't be everything to everyone. Someone is always going to miss out on being taken care of and unfortunately, recently at least, it's been me.
Deep down, I'm horribly lonely. I think it's the reason I turned to this blog so many years ago, and the reason I still come back. I need someone to talk to, to vent to, to listen maybe. I wish I had someone close I could just go sit and have coffee or a glass of wine and talk to. I can't tell the people I surround myself with now the things that are bouncing around in my head. At least on here there is a sense of anonymity. I can more freely speak here than I could to any of my friends and in that I find solace.
The last couple months have been really rough on me. I know it's only April but this year has already taken a toll on my mind. I swore that this would be a better year, and maybe it will, there is still so much left, but gosh I feel like someone has ran me over with a truck most days.
What a depressing post... But it's how I'm feeling tonight, and sometimes, it's just what needs said, even when no one is listening.
