You can pick your friends...

but you can not pick you relatives. Last night we went out to dinner with Atlas's family. His whole family, brother, sister-in-law, mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, aunt, and two uncles, cousin, and two neices, myself and our children. Atlas's mother saed us 2 seats at the end of the table however our daughter wanted to sit by her cousins and I needed a place to put a high chair. So maybe they saved us a seat, but maybe she intentionally saved us a seat that we couldn't sit at. Who knows. So as dinner goes, we all order and Atlas goes down to sit by his mother for what he tells me will be a minute. So there I am high chair on one side of me, young cousin on the other, across the table is my 4 year old and my two neices. As I look atround the table I realize, yes I have just been seated at the kiddie table. Cool. Thanks. So dinner is served and Atlas' wings are delivered to him next to his mother. Fine, I will sit down here and feed the baby and help our daughter. So two hours passes, Atlas' aunt comes over and sits next to me. She asks me how everything is going, what the kids want for christmas, small talk, and I try not to be short. Everyone is finally getting up to go home and not one person says hello, goodbye, or go fuck yourself. Atlas apoligizes for sitting at the other end of the table, says it wasn't his intention. I mildly say thanks for letting me sit at the kiddie table, and he says, "you weren't at the kids table". I cock my head to the side and give him the "are you kidding look". He looks at me and says "well I guess you were, I'm sorry I suck as a husband" and slams the car door shut. "You don't suck." I cross my arms, my feelings were hurt. I left school to come home so I could go to his family's get together and not one of them... minus his aunt... who none of them can stand mind you... says hello. As I am sitting in the car, tears stream down my face, Atlas doesn't notice. I finally tell him what is wrong. I said , no one said hello to me, not one person even had a conversation with me. I've been married to his family for 5 years, the least they could do is act like im family. Maybe they are. Maybe that's just how they are... My family would never ever treat Atlas like that. Never. I was hurt. Atlas was hurt that I was hurt.

Alittle about me, alittle about him

I'm in my mid-twenties. I'm taller than most girls but shorter than some, I'm thinner than most girls but not quite what I was prior to having babies. I have long blond hair that flows down pst my braline and blue eyes. I get quite self conscious over my stretch marks, or my boobs which were once As, then Ds post baby, and are now settling somewher into a B range. In highschool I was not a 'cool' girl'. I was liked by most, but for the most part I went unnoticed. My family didn't have the money for me to try and keep up with all the crazy trends and I really didn't feel the need to try. I had bad teeth, and probably had bad hair but I was smart, and I played a few choice sports so I made friends somewhere a long the line. When Atlas and I met, I was a little bit crazy, I was young you can't blame me. I was less than a year out of high school, I had been in a few, two, to be exact, relationships that were horrible and I was not looking for a boyfriend. Truthfully I wasn't looking for someone to clash my style. I felt like I was finally coming into my own and I liked who I was becoming. I spent most of my Friday nights out in a local club with a group of breakdancers and on occasion we would enter into a dancing competetion and more often than not we would win. I didn't drink, and I didn't date any of the boys, to be honest I don't even remember their names. I ususally worked Saturday during the day as a bartender but by night, aw by night, I would join a local professional wrestling organization and do shows throughout the area. I know it sounds corny but for anyone that enjoys attention, adrenilene, and excitment it was the thing to do. Don't get me wrong I never had any intention of going anywhere with that, it was just something to do, simply because I could, and becuase most other people couldn't. I put on sleazy clothes and walked around in front of people, made them want me, made them hate me, made them love me. It was fun and for those experiances I will always be grateful. I made a few friends doing those shows but only one that I still keep in touch with. He's a good guy, we laughed a lot, we had a lot of fun, we had identical personalities which is why we never dated but things changed.
Then I met Atlas. He was tall, and handsome... he still is. He has big brown eyes that melt my heart and a smile and laugh that makes my day. We met at the mall, and I was actually with my ex boyfriend at the time. It was not a big deal, and there was no immediate "i'm going to marry that guy" sparks... but something that made me go back. At some point in the next month I got a random text message from Atlas that invited me over to his apartment. He had rented some movies and we sat on the couch in his livingroom and "watched" movies. It was my boss's daughter and to this day I still have not seen that movie. We talked and talked and talked and talked. Atlas was just getting out of a bad marriage where he had been hurt pretty bad, and he asured me that he never wanted to get married ever again. "GREAT!" I thought because at that point I didn't think I even wanted a boyfriend let alone a husband. So as we were sitting there talking, it was starting to get late and my mother called me. Yes my mom, she called to tell me it was getting late and it was snowing and I should come home. So I told Atlas that I had to get going and he looked at me and said "not yet". I kind of cocked my head to the side, " not until I kiss you". I don't really remember how it all happened but he leaned in and we kissed. It was by far the greatest kiss I had had in my life up until that point (we have shared some pretty intense kisses since) and when I opened my eyes I knew there was something. I walked to his door and put on my shoes. He opened the door and let me out into the cold, I turned around and we kissed again, Amazing. I walked to my car, drove home, and slept like a baby. In the next month or some that followed we texted, we talked, and I started spending the night at his apartment.
There was no sex, at least at the start of me starying over. It was actually a long time before we did anything in that realm. Well, maybe not that long considered we were married only 9 months after we met, and I spent the summer away. I knew when I left in July that I was going to marry him. I knew then and when we asked me in September there was no question, no hesitation and no doubts. We were married in October, we eloped, it was awesome. Becuase of our occupations we did not even live in the same state until February of the next year, by then I was already pregnant with our daughter. I guess that is what I get for going home over Christmas and New Years.

Gotta start somewhere

Wow, I can't believe I am finally doing this. I used to keep a journal. Religously throughout my teen years I'd fill up notebook after notebook of my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, and a lot about disapointments. It helped me figure out who I was. Truthfully, it probably saved me a few times from things that I was better off not doing. I have those notebooks. They are put away and maybe someday I will look at them but for today they are a reminder of a person what isn't me. I have so much going through my head everyday that its hard for me to think straight. I have a husband who I love,( I will refer to him in this blog as Atlas for reasons I will explain at a later time). This is not something that I question. We just celebrated our five year anniversary together and I couldn't imagine my life or my world without him. We go together, we are a team, and we are still very much in love. We have two beautiful children together, a daughter and a son. They are what make my world turn. They give me a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to strive to be a better person, a better mother, a better me. I think that they are one of the reasons why I finally decided to do this. I have taken a look at who I am becoming, and it makes me cock my head to the side and wonder. I don't want to be just a wife and a mother. I want to be more, I deserve to be more and I am going to redefine who I am.