Redefine Renew Recover

I got an email about a month ago... from a friend... asking me that since it was my 3 year anniversary for blogging if I felt like I have found what I sent out looking for... I have taken many moments to think about this and I think I have come to a satisfying answer.

redefine -to define (something) again or differently

I have redefined many things over the years but the one thing I set out to redefine has remained. I am still the wife, mother,  protector of your freedom, and everything to everyone that I was years ago... and those titles haven't changed, I have not changed my position in those roles but I have redefined how I have seen myself in those roles. 

Mother- I love my children, but I used to feel guilty for doing me, or taking care of me... I don't anymore. My children have far more than they need in every aspect of their lives and I am happy to be able to provide that for them.
 

Wife-  I have grown as a wife throughout the years of blogging. I have learned to love my mature marriage, and relish in the comfort of my secure relationship.  Although I still may wonder from time to time what may be, I always know that I can come home.  Atlas and I have been a lot more open with each other, it has made life better, it has made sex better, it has made our marriage better.  I am so in love with that man, despite his flaws, despite my own. Blogging has allowed me to find the person that I am, to be that person online without fear or persecution or discrimination and that has allowed me to be me in real life too. I know that my kink is not that kinky, or that my life is also not that vanilla.  My life with Atlas is far better than any fling, or flirt, or fuck that I have had over all this time and I am thankful for him everyday.

Protector of Your Freedom- This role has changed alot...Probably the most because my heart is not in it anymore. I love my job, I do, and I am thankful for it and all my benefits everyday.  I just don't see myself in the same position that I was years ago. I love this country, and I am a patriot through and through but I find myself wanting and needing to be with my family more. I am not willing to take that big deployment for promotion, instead  I am secure in setting my priorities family first.  It's not the military that I joined almost 10 years ago. Its a different breed of people, and leadership, and its just not "My Navy" anymore. Frankly, I'm not even sure who's Navy it is anymore or who's fights were fighting.  It's something I am blessed to be a part of, to have the honor to serve your country and be part of something so much bigger than yourself is so humbling.  In my years, I have met the most amazing people, who all hold special places in my heart and always will. But I feel that I can wash my hands and walk away feeling secure in my choices and happy in what I have recieved and proud for what I have given.

Everything to Everyone- I can not be everything to everyone. There was a point in my life that I could, and I can't now, and I know this and I am okay with this.  Losing my mother, and nearly losing my sister has really opened my eyes to focus on the little things in life because that is what makes memories and moments important. I live my life without regret, but with lots of learning experiances. I have learned so much over the years, whether it was failed relationnships or  flings, or whatever it happened to be at the moment... I learned from it, and from them.

Renew- to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection

I have spent a lot of time renewing the relationships that needed it most. My marriage, my children, my family, my coworkers... and in the same sense I have seemed to let some of the relationships that do not define me anymore go, Hermes, and others.  Atlas and I spent 2 weeks recently alone, no kids, no family. We spent hours sitting in the woods together, we spent hours in bed...we talked, we held hands, we made love... The things that had been lacking for so long have seemed to have began to heal. Men need to be loved, women need to be desired. There is such a huge difference in the way men and women view a relationships.


Recover-to bring back to normal position or condition

I am still recovering from a lot of things. Recovering is the hard part and the part that will take the longest. I am still recovering from losing my mom, from my sister's brain injury, from failed relationships... I will recover, and I will get better. When I feel like my recovery is complete is when I feel this blog will end. Till then though I will still be around, maybe not as much as I have previously. I miss blogging, I just haven't been that into it. I have not been online, I have been kind of avoiding it altogether.

I had met someone on here. Someone who I really thought I had a connection with... and then one day out of the blue I got nothing in return. Not a "I don't want to be friends anymore" not even a "go fuck yourself"... just nothing, and it hurt. It still does. I don't think they really realize that they really hurt me that way... All I want is an explaination and I will wash my hands of that relationship too. I will recover from that too...

Oh... and a picture for good measure :) Stay Tuned... I'm not done yet.