I've been a horrible blogger

I know i know, I've been gone for a while. All summer actually, and not gone, not gone at all, just lurking. I haven't had the words to put into a blog and truthfully haven't had the time to sort through them. Everything is going well here. The summer is closing and it makes me extremely sad. I always feel like I have such big plans for summer and at the end they all seemed to have failed. Like epically failed.

I wanted to get away for a few days. That's it, I don't need a big eloborate vacation. A tent, a fishing pole, and a campfire would of worked just fine. But I didn't even get that oppertunity this year. I wanted to go to Great Lakes and see my baby sister graduate from bootcamp. I know what it feels like. There is no other feeling in the world and whether you serve 4 years of 30 you only get to graduate from bootcamp once and that was also blown out of the water.

I'm reflecting and I am kinda sad. We had the house to clean and stain ( loghome) I cleaned it, it took me two days... and then we didn't stain it, so... now we have log house that doesn't have any stain on it... If I had the 15K I would hire professionals but I don't know where all the money goes. The deck is cleaned, stained and sealed and that alone was a huge project, most of which I did... as Atlas work schedule is uncondusive to helping around the house even when it stays light out till 2100.

The hot tub still sits full of garbage... the goats are still living in a barn that is halfway falling in... and my mom, grandmother and sister all just got back from vacation last night. I wasn't invited because I have two small children and who wants that cramping thier style while they sit on a beach somewhere.

Another reason I blog today is I am just frustrated. I think in all aspects of my life. I go far above and beyond to be a good mother, a good wife. I shine Atlas' FUCKING shoes!!! I set his uniform out, I even wrote his evaluations for him, I did all this last night after everyone was asleep ( did I mention the sleeping issuesI have) but i