Bored out of my mind... is never good

Atlas is out of town for the week, and not on business. He is out with his dad, and uncle, and cousins, and the rest of the boys on a quad trip. I am at home holding down the fort and finishing up my second to last semester of school. Gosh I am feeling that creeping resentment feeling coming to me though and that is where boredom is not good for me.

I get stressed with kids, dogs, goats, and my family in general and then I get aggitated that I am carrying all the weight while he is out playing. My mom is sick, they dropped the C word yesterday and "slight chance" so I am keeping my fingers crossed till her biopsy results come back but I have a feeling the news is not going to be great. You don't get away with smoking a pack a day and drinking everyday for 30 years with a handshake and a prize. I also went and had my yearly girl exam and everything seems to be in working order. Not that I doubted but its nice to know that there are no unseen issues going on. I

I am up for conversation with someone over the age of five and not related to any nursing diagnosis or care plans please. So let me know whats going on out there, praying for Alabama and those hit with storms this week.

HNT No camera

o... I had to do some weird cropping since I had a small child on my lap. But this is from last summer and I am looking forward to hot weather, tans, and spending some time on the water.

Happy HNT!

Sad

My dogs killed one of my goats today. I am so broken hearted over it, I wasn't home, Atlas wasn't home, just my grandmother, and she was not able to get the dogs to stop. We were all fishing and she called crying saying the dogs were killing Rudy. By the time we got home he was already gone... I can't even look at the dogs... but that is what they were historically bred for, to chase down and kill wild large game... We buried Rudy at the bottom of our yard next to a big tree... My other goats seem like they are doing okay, they seem like they are still looking for him, although they were all witness to it. Im so sad... they are just like a family member....

It continues

So I pick Atlas up in town and he asks if I still want to go to the hockey game. Well Duh, we did pay good money for the tickets and I am going to have a good time in spite of him. So we go to the arena and park. I lay my chiar back with my sunglasses on and decide I want to take a nap. 20 minutes later I wake up, Atlas is sitting in the driver's seat, staring out the window tears running his cheeks.
- I don't feel like I should be here
- Well we are here and we are going to have a good time
- I feel like you are only here with me so you don't have to go to the game alone.
- Well... kind of. I want to have fun though.
- I ruined the trust that you had in me, and now our relationship will never be the same.
- No, it will be fine, just give me some time to get over it . *** to be completely honest, by this point I was already over it, Nothing had happened, not really, I cried, I yelled, I swore, and doing more of any of the above wasn't go to change the fact that it happened and it wasn't going to make the situaion any better****

So we go to the game. I never realized it but I guess I didn't touch Atlas the entire game, minus a high five for a goal. Not intentional but I guess I just wasn't that into him at the time. On the way home he was driving and said
- I know you dont want to talk about it but i have to, i have this huge knot in my stomach, like I am going to be sick.
-okay...?
- Will you ever be able to forgive me?
- Sure I will... if the situation was reversed would you forgive me
- I don't know if i could, thats why I am so sick over this, I just wish you would punch me or yell at me or something.
- Its not going to get us anywhere, its not worth fighting over, its done its over its in the past, lets just move on *** Yes this is really how I am***
-I am so sorry *Hera* Please give me the oppertunity to earn your trust
-okay...

And that was the end of it. We came home instead of going for drinks, Atlas went to get a shower and I said I was going to too, and he said he would wait and I told him he could shower with me. This of course goes on to be the most intimate and passionate sex that we have ever had in 7 years of marriage... I wake up the next morning wrapped in his arms.

How it all went down

Atlas and I get along better than 98 percent of couples that I have met in my life. We have similar interests, goals, ideas on life. But one thing that differs is our perceptions of what is "just fun" and what is wrong. So I did a bunch of basic household things Friday and finally sat down to sign on to the computer. When I open my laptop, it is signed into Atlas' facebook site. So as I go to sign off, a little message pops up on the bottom " how do i know you" it was from Atlas to a girl... meaning I accidentally opened his page, while he is on his page at work. I start to type "sorry this is just atlas' wife, i signed on his account by accident" then I see it is Atlas who had asked... Interesting... because we know this girl... not personally but had heard stories. Two nights earlier at a poker game, all these guys were talking about how she is their designated blow job girl, they give her some money and she does whatever you want... stories that go alittle deeper than that but none the less, you get the idea of who she is... Atlas never talked to her before, she was a facebook friend because they are from the same hometown i guess.

So I signed off never even thought anything of it. Then I am doing something a little later and sign back on, catch in mid conversation
-are you accepting new customers
-always accepting
-any restrictions? like marriage **** my heart jumps into my throat... REALLY?***
--i've had some married guys
-This would have to be completely confidental
- always LOL
-where does something like this tape place
-their house or mine
-well it can't be mine!
-I figured lol then mine in L******
- how much notice do you need, how much does this cost
-depends on what you desire
-depends on what you offer **** Yes I managed to keep it together long enough to get all of this information plus copy it, save it and burn it to a CD, Im not a stupid girl by any means*****
- text me ( number included) I am on my work computer
-okay

At this point I am late to head to the city to pick up Atlas at work to go to the NHL playoff game. I jump in the car, grab my phone and text Atlas, find someone else to go to the game with. he asked how far out i am, i say "sitting in front of the computer"
***phone rings***
What are you talking about
_ wht do you think I am talking about.
- i have no idea,
- I don't even have words, find someone else to go to the game with, get your truck and find somewhere else to stay tonight because I don't want to see you today
*** He's speechless, he knows I saw***
- What? What do i do to deserve this?
-Nothing, absolutely nothing *** in shock I can hear it in his voice***
- you are a fucking asshole, i can't even believe what i read, do you really need to go elsewhere for something? **** we have a very active sex life, like 4+ a week its hard for me to imagine he needs anyhting from anyone else***
-no, it was just fun, you heard the other guys talking
- well it looked pretty fucking real...

Okay to save time, insert a lot of yelling, crying and swearing as I drive. Not the best choice I ever made but a choice I made none the less. So I drove to the city to pick up Atlas, When I say I am gonna do something I do it regardless, its just the kind of person I am. I wasn't happy to be picking him up, I didn't want to see him, I was not joking when I told him not to come home.

I just spent the last 45 minutes trying to wrangle my goats outside, Have you ever looked at your life and said... " really is this me?" To be continued

I'm broken into a million pieces

But I can hold it together with duct tape, super glue and maybe a few captain and cokes... I need to update... I need to vent...