I was in a rough place last night... alone in my house, no kids ( away for a week and a half), Atlas gone for a while still... It was queit and still and I was alone. It had been about a year, well to the day of the week since my mom had passed, the acutal date is tomorrow... I just wanted someone to reach out to. My best friend in the world had a baby 3 days ago and I couldn't make myself call her even though I know she would of willingly talked to me, calmed my fears and more than likely cried with me.
I thought about emailing Hermes just to have someone to talk to, to talk me off the ledge I felt I was teetering between completely losing it and knowing things are okay. But the inconsisentency in his emails could of been the push that I didn'tneed to hop off that ledge if he didn't respond. I don't know if our friendship is about that though either really, after talking every single day for weeks on end, spending hours upon hours alone... feelings were never really a topic... although I think he would listen...I think he would put his arms around me and let me cry. I think he would but its hard to tell.
I was going to email Jack, but didn't want to risk ruining your sunday night when I know Jill has to work this morning. I know you'd have listened and probably skyped and talked me through it but I'm not one for ruining your night if I don't really have to.
I don't have friends like that down here in Va. What I really needed... or need even now is someone to just be here. I want to be able to put my head on your shoulder and just cry... just for a few minutes and then I swear I will be okay. I just hold everything in for so long and now its all bottled up and I fear I am going to lose control over the feelings that I hide away so well. All this happened last night because of the day, the lack of people that I have to be strong around, and the idea that well... I really am kinda at this all alone.
My siblings can't even talk to me about it, and how they are dealing because, my sister was still in a coma when my mom died and my other one is far away in Pensacola hanging out with her friends and very literally living the dream...
This week will be better though. I have a lot to look forward to. I have a doctor's appointment today, going to go and get a flu shot, then I am on call tonight, and then off tomorrow, I work wed, and thrusday but then am off friday, going to the Luke Bryan/ jason Aldean concert with some girls from work, going to the Spa/Salon Friday morning, taking a trip to brazil ;) I'm terrified... but... all in good fun. Going to breakout the cowboy boots, and hat and some short bluejean shorts for Friday night:)
So I got a lot to look forward to... just got to get myself out of this slump. Happy Monday All!
I am so sorry Hera that you feel this way. Maybe you will bond closer with one of your co-workers and then at least you will have someone.
ReplyDeleteMy shoulder is way too far away.
That's odd; I would have sworn my commented posted. Suffice it to say that what I posted (or thought I posted) this morning was that our hearts truly go out to you during this very difficult time; that you've never ruined our night, nor do I think it possible for you to do so; and that if you feel like it, how about snapping some pictures of you in your Friday night concert wear? :)
ReplyDelete-Jack
I've been having some of those rough days, when the house is all alone. It's good to have things to look forward to, even and especially things that will make you a little nervous, it takes your mind off of some of the things going on the inside.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I remember all of the times I have felt like I was at a low point, and how there has always been another good day after that.