Its Boots Weather!

I know I haven't been around much. But I have been. I have just been quiet. Not much to say, but that is about to change. Summer makes me happy and we are getting there quicker than not. 

Had to break the boots out, going to a concert with the girls very soon. Taking a Limo... some long neck bottles and apple pie moon shine...

16 pounds lighter than I was before Christmas and feeling great! Ready for this summer and a much needed break!

Happy Friday! Have a Great Weekend!

Surprise!

Okay, I have been away for awhile. I have been spending time doing things that I need to take care of myself. I have been reading... books. No kidding read the Game of Thrones series which was awesome, Bared to You series, No Easy Day and a a few others. I know impressed right?

I have been drawing alittle bit. A few pictures every once in awhile just to keep my hands into it. But I have been working a lot.  I have also been working out a decent amount of time.  I have lost a little weight, lost a couple inches and I am feeling much more like myself again.  I bought a Country Megaticket... since I will be without Atlas for the majority of the year I needed something to put my mind to and look forward to and what better than 8  concerts, outside, in the summer, with the girls from work. I am excited just thinking about it now.

 

The Blog went Private for awhile just because I had a lapse in judgement. Gave my screen name out to someone I probably shouldn't of and I didn't want to be "followed" back to here. But if I was it wouldn't be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I miss interacting online. I needed to come back to the blog I missed the people I had friendships with, who I laughed and flirted and at times even cried with.  So here I am. Back in some regard for better or worse.

 

Atlas is home right now, we are in the process of planning a family vacation. Just to get away before he goes away. To make some memories with the kids that are truly worth having god forbid anything happens while he is away defending what freedom we have left.  We are also planning for the future and the move away from this wretched military town back to our little rural area where we can be ourselves, not worry about who we are friends with, not worry about being sent a world away to a sandbox with no ocean in sight and we can get back to what really matters, what makes life worth living.

 

I know there is nothing sexy or exciting about this blog. But I'm around. I've been creeping but I've decided its time for me to make an apperance back here. It's been a nice break, a moment away in the real world... but I'm ready to get back to this, I miss this, I miss my friends on here.  

 

 

Love like it may be Your last Night

 

 

Just a few nights ago we had an event happen that will change my life forever. 99 percent of what I do is joyous and happy and has awesome outcomes. Occasionally we will lose a baby for things out of our control, or a baby will be born stillborn and in those moments as a nurse I am given the oppertunity to care for people in their lowest moments. A few nights ago we lost a mother. I perfectly healthy 28 year old mother who had a beautiful baby just moments before. I am still shook up over it. I can't get the feel of her ribs off my hands while I did chest compressions on her. The look on her husband's face when we took him into a room to have the pastor and the doctor's go in to talk with him. The color of her skin when we gave over control to the Code and ICU team. The tears that my co-workers and I shared that morning trying to debrief, trying to make some sense out of it....  The only thing that I find comfort in is knowing that we did everyhing we could, every single thing that we were supposed to do, that we all worked as a team and it was out of our control.

 

Things that like really put into perspective that there is no control over our life. I am not a very religous person. I don't go to church on a regular basis but I do beleive in something... In the medical profession there are things that we can do to help preserve life. We can shock you, and do chest compressions and breathe for you, and give you more blood, we can essentially make you live when you aren't... but we couldn't with her. No matter what we did, it was futile. There was nothing but comfort measures in the end, After 2 hours of chest compressions, 2 hours of breathing for her, 2 hours of fighting for her life, a life that was gone before we started, her family let her go. It was devastating... we had over 40,000 deliveries since the last time we lost of a mother... and I am praying that I never lose one again.

 

 

 

 

 

Redefine Renew Recover

I got an email about a month ago... from a friend... asking me that since it was my 3 year anniversary for blogging if I felt like I have found what I sent out looking for... I have taken many moments to think about this and I think I have come to a satisfying answer.

redefine -to define (something) again or differently

I have redefined many things over the years but the one thing I set out to redefine has remained. I am still the wife, mother,  protector of your freedom, and everything to everyone that I was years ago... and those titles haven't changed, I have not changed my position in those roles but I have redefined how I have seen myself in those roles. 

Mother- I love my children, but I used to feel guilty for doing me, or taking care of me... I don't anymore. My children have far more than they need in every aspect of their lives and I am happy to be able to provide that for them.
 

Wife-  I have grown as a wife throughout the years of blogging. I have learned to love my mature marriage, and relish in the comfort of my secure relationship.  Although I still may wonder from time to time what may be, I always know that I can come home.  Atlas and I have been a lot more open with each other, it has made life better, it has made sex better, it has made our marriage better.  I am so in love with that man, despite his flaws, despite my own. Blogging has allowed me to find the person that I am, to be that person online without fear or persecution or discrimination and that has allowed me to be me in real life too. I know that my kink is not that kinky, or that my life is also not that vanilla.  My life with Atlas is far better than any fling, or flirt, or fuck that I have had over all this time and I am thankful for him everyday.

Protector of Your Freedom- This role has changed alot...Probably the most because my heart is not in it anymore. I love my job, I do, and I am thankful for it and all my benefits everyday.  I just don't see myself in the same position that I was years ago. I love this country, and I am a patriot through and through but I find myself wanting and needing to be with my family more. I am not willing to take that big deployment for promotion, instead  I am secure in setting my priorities family first.  It's not the military that I joined almost 10 years ago. Its a different breed of people, and leadership, and its just not "My Navy" anymore. Frankly, I'm not even sure who's Navy it is anymore or who's fights were fighting.  It's something I am blessed to be a part of, to have the honor to serve your country and be part of something so much bigger than yourself is so humbling.  In my years, I have met the most amazing people, who all hold special places in my heart and always will. But I feel that I can wash my hands and walk away feeling secure in my choices and happy in what I have recieved and proud for what I have given.

Everything to Everyone- I can not be everything to everyone. There was a point in my life that I could, and I can't now, and I know this and I am okay with this.  Losing my mother, and nearly losing my sister has really opened my eyes to focus on the little things in life because that is what makes memories and moments important. I live my life without regret, but with lots of learning experiances. I have learned so much over the years, whether it was failed relationnships or  flings, or whatever it happened to be at the moment... I learned from it, and from them.

Renew- to make like new : restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection

I have spent a lot of time renewing the relationships that needed it most. My marriage, my children, my family, my coworkers... and in the same sense I have seemed to let some of the relationships that do not define me anymore go, Hermes, and others.  Atlas and I spent 2 weeks recently alone, no kids, no family. We spent hours sitting in the woods together, we spent hours in bed...we talked, we held hands, we made love... The things that had been lacking for so long have seemed to have began to heal. Men need to be loved, women need to be desired. There is such a huge difference in the way men and women view a relationships.


Recover-to bring back to normal position or condition

I am still recovering from a lot of things. Recovering is the hard part and the part that will take the longest. I am still recovering from losing my mom, from my sister's brain injury, from failed relationships... I will recover, and I will get better. When I feel like my recovery is complete is when I feel this blog will end. Till then though I will still be around, maybe not as much as I have previously. I miss blogging, I just haven't been that into it. I have not been online, I have been kind of avoiding it altogether.

I had met someone on here. Someone who I really thought I had a connection with... and then one day out of the blue I got nothing in return. Not a "I don't want to be friends anymore" not even a "go fuck yourself"... just nothing, and it hurt. It still does. I don't think they really realize that they really hurt me that way... All I want is an explaination and I will wash my hands of that relationship too. I will recover from that too...

Oh... and a picture for good measure :) Stay Tuned... I'm not done yet.

I have no Special Talent...

I am only passionately curious- Albert Einstein.



Atlas is home, for a week... Its been nice to have him home but as with life it gets in the way. I've been missing from the internet for awhile, but I should be back... at least for now.

Loyal to a Fault

So what was I anticipating? Hanging out with Hermes... He was going to be in town, we were going to hang out... just like we did before... but it didn't happen the first night, or the second, and we didn't make it to breakfast either... So, I was a bit saddened over it.  I discussed the scenerio with a friend and said that perhaps Hermes is " Loyal to a fault but even the people I just flirt with should still respect my feelings" True true...

So... I know that he would have been tempted, I probably would have too but I can clearly separate who he is in real life to the man I have made him to on this blog.  I think for the first time in a long time I may have intimidated a man. Its not because I would of thrown myself into his bed and hoped that he was interested, it was becasue he was interested and in the slim chance that I would of suggested anything, something may have happened...

Was it that or was it he's seen this blog? He knows what I think commonly, and he's seen me in next to nothing... but he's also seen me in a swim suit in real life, and we have been submerged in water up to our nexks and forced to work in cold dark palces together... Nothing ever happened. Maybe I slight brush of the hand or an incidental touch but that was it. Now he doesnt trust himself alone with me?

I'm kind of flattered that he thinks I have that kind of power becasue I never thought I did before. I still want to talk with him and flirt with him but I will find it hard to get my hopes up again...

Another thing I am looking forward to... a friend is coming and staying at my house over the weekend. It will be a much needed invitation to let loose and probably cry alittle and have a  lot of fun. I just need that interaction with someone and since Hermes felt like he was doing something wrong without ever doing anything wrong I can probably manage to find someone else to play... at least for a little bit.

ANother thing I am looking forward to? I was working with flirty guy at work on Sunday and Monday... I can't wait to get that going again, he was so fun...

Also a brief and sincere thank you to Jack (and Jill) for talking me off the edge Friday night after a few too many drinks, and keeping me company, entertained, and excited last night.  You may never really know how much that all meant.

Anticipation...

Sometimes the build up is soooo good...

 

 

 

 

Home for two days....

So say... you go away for a few weeks, you come home for only 2 days before you have to leave again on another adventure to save the world. What would you do? Take a nice long shower, and then fuck right? That is for sure what I would do... or at least what I would plan to do.... Not so much though... So off to another month or so with no physical contact... How is that even possible? Only time will tell...

Something to look forward to... and a late THN

How do you make it through days that seem to run together? Pick something to look forward to, whether its a trip to the spa, or the night off where you could take a long bath or a quiet evening alone with a glass of wine. Something to look forward to makes the days not seem as endless... This week I may have soemthing to look forward to... I don't want to spoil all the fun, but it is something that I am hoping all works out. 

But I know something you have all been waiting for... more pictures... So since the theme for The Naught Hangout was Favorite Team... I thought I would sport my favorite team... Yeah... That's how I roll, Jersey and Shorty shorts.

 

Guess who's back... Back again

I have been busy, I know we all have. I've also been a terrible blogger and this comes and goes in spurts for me I guess. I haven't been doing too much recently. Working a lot of hours, trying to spend time with my kids, and manage life as a married single wife again, as usual, as always.  Went to the Zac Brown concert last night. It was incredible. What did I learn? That I can listen to every single one of their songs, and the ones they played that weren't theirs and love each and every one of them.

I had a nice night. I  shared a few beers with a shipmate while we talked about the USS Cole, watched a movie with the kids, drew an awesome picture for my sister, and chatted with a good friend for a long time.

I had a good night and I am going to bed happy and satisfied... well I will be satisfied before I go to bed. I was going to pist some pictures tonight to go with The Naughty Hangout theme... but my camera battery died, so maybe tomorrow.  Hope you all had as good of a night as I did. Good Night all.