It isn't always what it seems

So we talked. I told him what I was thinking and he told me what is going on. Awhile back Atlas was having pain in the left side of his chest. I made him go to the doctor and I went with him because I was sure if I didn't he wouldn't tell the doctor the tell the real reason he was there. So I went and he explained everything and the doctor told him that she thought it was just muscle cramps in the intercostals which can be caused by not drinking enough water or deficenies in his diet. Well, I guess that could explain it but I thought there was possibly more. We let it go and Atlas didn't say anything else about the pain. Well I guess recently the pain has been back and has been bothering, almost to the point where he thought he was having a heart attack the other morning. He didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to get worried but if I don't worry about him who will? So... He said that when I was laying my head on his chest it hurt so bad it almost brought tears to his eyes and the only way he could get any relief was to lay on his right side, which is away form me... Aha. Makes sense. So I have to make our son a doctors appointment for his 18 month check up and I am again going to make an appointment for Atlas. He thiks it may be indegestion or something like that, as he has always been a surferer of acid reflux. I just want to get things checked out to make sure everything is okay.

I fell asleep last night rather early which was AMAZING! I have a hard time sleeping or falling asleep whichever so, when I actually feel tired without taking a benadryl or tylenol PM it is awesome. So I laid down in bed and within minutes I was out. I woke up this morning to Atlas and our son sitting on the couch in front of the bed, watching some cartoons and eating cereal. Priceless. Our son scurries out of the room to go and see my grandmother who lives with us and Atlas walks over to the bed. He slides his hand under the bed and between my legs. "I tried to get you some last night". I laughed " I was tired, I was sleeping". " I know, I didn't even want to get me any, I just wanted you to be satisfied." Oh realy I thought. " well get me some now." I joked knowing he was aready on his way out the door for work. He turned with the flash and locked our bedroom door, "We dont have time for this" I said as he was walking back towards me, "I don't have time for this, you do." and he pulled the covers down over me and pulled off the boy shorts I was wearing and he his head was quickly between my legs. I leaned back and moaned as I slid my hands over his head. He slid a finger inside me and I arched my back towards his face. I really enjoy when he goes down on me, but I really like to be fucked afterward. So, with his fingers inside me and his tongue going to work on my clit I came quickly. He stood up, kissed me and went to leave for work. I grabbed him by the belt, "I want you to fuck me." He looked kind of surprised, " I don't have time, I'm already really late," At this point I had his pants undone pulled down over his hips. I grabbed his hard cock and slid it inside me. It didn't take long before he was tearing off his shirt and stepping out of his pants do he could better fuck me from his standing position next to the bed. He slid quickly in and out iof me, and it felt so good, so filling, so much what I needed. He reached down and rubbed my clit with his thumb and he pushed deeper and harder. We came together and he climbed on the bed with me. I started to laugh alittle, or cough alittle, either way it was going to make a mess and he still had to go to work. He climbed down off the bed and got redressed. We sat together on the couch for a few minutes, and he looked over at me, " I smell like sex now". I told him it would help him in his job today. We kissed and he left for work.

That's the way I like to start my mornings, I good night's sleep and some good love in the morning.

Hmmm

I started this blog with the intention of expressing the deep love that Atlas and I share. I wanted to share our amazingly passionate moments with someone, anyone really. I wanted to show everyone what a good man he is, and how much we are in love. Well... I guess so far things haven't gone quite as planned as i have spent more time complaining about the present than enjoying the misfortunes that make life so much fun. So, Atlas called me back yesterday after my tearful conversation and asked if I was okay. I was, I told him I just wanted to get those things off my chest and I needed a good cry. He suggested our daughter go stay at his aunts for a couple days to give me a slight break. Well, kind of, I still will have a crazed 18 month old who is now missing his sister but two is less than one and should be in mathematical terms easier. Anyone with small children knows that it isn't true but it was a good try at least. When Atlas arrived home after 8pm (which is usual) I already had one in bed adn the other well on his way. Showered, eaten, and a fire in the fireplace. WE curled up on the couch together and played a computer word game. I know it doesn't sound too intimate but I will take it where I can get it. We played this game for almost 3 hours. Laughing, joking, and just being together. Atlas had brought movies home to watch and right around midnight we put the Hangover in. Both of us had seen it alreayd so didn't mind falling asleep. When we climbed into bed we both stripped our clothes off and slid in next to each other. We layed and watched the movie and laughed. Atlas sat up at one point and said that I can't put my head on his chest, that it was hurting him, so he stretched his arms our and laid back down. I moved over to my own side of the bed. Lastly when Atlas rolled over and "gave me the back" I sat up and put my clothes back on. Things just don't feel right, they feel off balance. We have never had a fight, an arguement yes, but never a yelling, screaming, angry fight. We have been married for five years and I have no doubts that he is my one and only. He tells me regularaly that he wouldnt make it without me, that i'm his everything but is hearing it enough? Should I be able to take those words and apply them as I need them? Clean the shower,think in my head "I'm his everything" Cook dinner, do dishes, "he couldn't live without me" Put kids to bed, "i'm the most amazing woman he knows". Am I being insecure? Is it just the time of the year where maybe I am expecting too much from an already stressful time? For the first time in years I am trying to ensure that my needs are fullfilled and perhaps that is the most stressful part of the entire situation.

I just got off the phone with Atlas. It involved tears which is never a good thing for me. I let things go until I can't stand it anymore and then I just get mad, I get frustrated, I get angry. Yesterday Atlas went to the football game. Mind you we are both huge football fans, i perfer hockey to football but that is not the point. So he went to the game, he asked me to go, and he siad quick decide now so i can find someone else to go if you don't want to. So my first reply is "we don't have a babysitter" and then i said I don't want to sit in the cold. So Atlas took someone else, no problem, like i said not a big deal, i watched the game at home. The one thing I asked him before he left yesterday morning was "what time are you going to be home" he replied " right after the game". Good, because I don't want him going to the Casino and spending all of our christmas money or, being gone all day, he really doesn't have many days off and I want him to spend it with his family and me. ( does that sound pocessive? hmmm. So the game is over around 4pm. We won, so I figured he would be home, eh, i gave him 3 hours. So, i get the fireplace in our room going, get the kids ready for bed, and at 6:58pm I get a text that says, " we stopped to get a burger, aires (name changed of course)is playing slots till we are done. FUCKING FUCK! I am at home all day, I cleaned the closet, the shower, the kitchen, took down christmas decorations, fixed the gate, our closet, and our swueaky bed while dealing with our children and you can't even make it home in time to watch the hockey game with me. You fucking fuck! All I ever ask from him is to spend time with me, with his children. I don't ask him to clean, or cook, or even help around the house, all i ask is when you say something, when i ask something, when you tell me you are going to do something, DO IT. So I watch the entire hockey game alone, we lose, then i play some stupid game on the computer and finally when I see the car pulling up the drive I pretend I am asleep. I was so mad i couldn't even manage the correct words. So when you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anyhting at all. Atlas was happy I was asleep, relieved I'm sure,because he knew I was upset, when he wrote me to tell me where they were I said " are you kidding me? I really don't ask for much, you wait for two hours after the games been done to tell me that you aren't even on your way, im sitting here expecting you home any minute like an asshole." I got no response to that. This morning I told him that I feel like I am getting walked on, and that is what sparked the conversation and the tears. I told him, whenever I want to do anything, whether its go to school, go on a date, go away for the weekend, anything I have to find a babysitter, but if he wants to go away for the weekend, go to a football game, go to a poker game, then there is always a built in babysitter at home - me. He didn't have much to say, nothing really, said he appreciates everything i do, how he feels like a retard because he said he keeps upsetting me without realizing it. I told him I need a break, that I am tired of sitting at home "babysitting" our children. He said he doesn't walk on me, and i told him, you may not do it intentionally but I allow it to happen so it is just as much my fault as it is his.

The Holiday Season

Tis the season... I had a great day! My peacful night slumber that was desperatley needed after being a good little Santa last night was interupted by a crabby 18 month old who not only played too much for too long today but is feeling rather miserable all weekend. I can't help but feel a bit cheated over the holiday. It is my own fault though, perhaps I put I bit too much hope into what I want to happen and not enough act in getting it to happen. I imagine my Christmas eve a quick stop by the in-laws for drinks and socialbility, then home to get our two children under 5 years old into bed before 10. A bottle of wine, finish wrapping the kids gifts, eat santa's cookies, write a quick note, and make sweet, quiet, sensuous love to my husband in our living room, wrapped gifts around us, christmas tree and lights lit, the fireplace going, go to bed, fall asleep in eachother's arms happy to be together, happy to be in love. What actually happened? We go to Atlas' parents who spoke to me (yay go them!), stay far too long, we get home at midnight, I don't drink there, and am very much frustrated that I have 10 bags of presents to wrpa and situate when our small children are so ecited they can't fall asleep when we get home. So we arrive home at midnight, at 1am I give the kids benadryl, by 145 they are both asleep. But alas, Atlas who drank at his parents in asleep in bed. I go about my elfly business and wrap all of the presents ALONE, I finally wake up Atlas who I need to help my carry the children's big gift from the garage. He goes with me, we carry the trampoline down to the house, set up the room, Atlas eats santas cookies, dumps the 2hr old milk down the drain, doesn't write a note. He plays on the computer and we retire to bed alittle after 3am. No love making, no wine, not what I imagined. So christmas day comes to early but the morning with children who believe in santa is unbelievable. It was amazing. They make me laugh, and smile, and clap my hands. Atlas and I exchange gifts, I get him a suit(that doesn't fit), a blu-ray player, tshirts, boxers, bodywash, deoderant, hat, gloves, led hunting lights, a knife sharpener, and a few other odds and ends. I get a wallet, perfume, make-up (which is nice but I really don't wear), hat, gloves, and boots. The boots are not the kind that I wanted, not really but they will...eh... they will do becuase I will not take them back. I asked for boots, the slide on and can wear with jeans, I use my daughters Ugs as an example (exactly what I wanted, simple easy, could get them at walmart and i wouldn't of cared), I get boots that slide on and I could technically wear with jeans, or I could wear bear hunting in the norhren circle. I'm sure he bought them at gander mountain or some sort of sproting goods store, they are nice, epensive I'm sure, and more than I really wanted. I just wanted a pair of no-name Ugs look alikes to wear around the house, to school, to the store whatever. Fine, its not a big deal, I don't really do Christmas for the gifts anyway, I enjoy everything else more. So I make a big dinner, for less than half the people I expected but I enjoyed spending time with everyone. I had such a great day, like made me smile thinking about it, I climbed into bed with my husband, children happily passed out, and I told him, I had a really really great day. I even said to his family, that it was the best christmas I ever had, and it was, it is. But I now have a sour tast in my mouth. As I was rocking the 1 year old who isn't feeling well back to sleep, I pick up Atlas' phone and skim to the messages to see who all said Merry Christmas. and what to my wondering eye should appear but a message stating, have had enough, I need to get out for a break. As I am sitting here Iit brings tears to my eyes because I think about how excited I was to sit down tonight and try and watch a movie with Atlas,or how I laid my head on his chest and told him I had such a great day, he nodded and agreed but secretly, he needed a break, I didn't want to be here with his family, would of rather been out in a dirty poker room, with his buddies than cuddled on the couch with me. I wanted to make love, I wanted to feel his body against mine, I wanted to feel him. I feel so hurt by that little tiny expression, is that wrong of me? I just don't understand... Its not like he had to cook dinner, pr do the dishes or clean up the mess. Nothing, I didn't ask anything of him except expecting him to be here with me and his kids on christmas. I look to the future, and I know that in our line of work that there is going to be holidays spent apart, Christmas' alone... and I can't help but think about how much I will miss days like today... and wonder if he ever will.

Long weekend

So, we have large rare breed dogs, so in turn we also have large rare breed puppies. PLEASE SOMEONE TAKE THEM! I am getting to the point that I would almost give them away. Almost there but not quite yet. I wasn't for breeding our dogs to start with. I knew it was going to be a lot of work, a lot of time, and a pain in the ass to tell the truth. I didn't want my poor female dog to have to go through pregnancy and delivery and give up all her babies. I didn't want my male to actually "get some" and know what he was supposed to do. I should of got my female fixed last time Atlas was away. But alas, Atlas wanted puppies, he told me I wouldn't have to do anything, nothing. Right sure I beleive that, anayway... we have puppies. They are getting big quickly and need to find homes! So Friday one puppy left, saturday two puppies left, we still have 7! Saturday we went to the mall because my phone suddenly died. The mall was insane because of christmas shoppers but that's fine I hurried through did what I had to do and went about my business. I also went to Toys R us, I know I am crazy but I had to get something for our youngest. So... Today I woke up with the intention of baking cookies today but Atlas is in bed sick, my youngest running around the house like a terror so I did not get much done. I am extremely tired. I have a few tests this week and I am off for a month! Thank goodness. I could really use a good romp with Atlas. Its been awhile... maybe three days since our last session which took place while watching the hockey game. Me on my stomach, Atlas behind me, slowly at first, but moving in stride with the game that palyed on the screen in front of us. It was a nice romp but nothing too exciting to write about, we did score, I mean the hockey team scored right about the time Atlas came so it was kind of ironic. I am sitting in bed and I can hear Atlas asleep on the couch in our room. Maybe he will feel better tomarow and he can make me feel better. Next weekend we are making a roadtrip to drop off one other puppy, so that takes us down to 6. A roadtrip is always good for some hotel room sex. MmmmmmM

I'm guilty

Today I wanted to take the time to explain some of the things that I am guilty of. I quietly read polgamy and swinger blogs... religiously. I have a few facorites, and I will mention them sometime in the near future. I am not at all interested in either lifestyle for myself or Atlas, but I am so damn intereted in it. I couldn't imagaine sharing my husband with anyone, and I know that he would never share me. I am okay with this because Atlas is more than I have ever dreamed, he has his flaws but he is improving everday, and I am happy everyday. First polygamy, I think is incredible. I once was told " I would rather e third wife to a good, just, man who can provide for all of us, than first in line to a dick." True statement, however, as a first wife, why would you want to share that good and just man with anyone else? That is more of me eing a jealous woman and not understanding. Anyone out there plese feel free to let me in on the secret. I just can't fathom my jealousies and insecurities of sharing my husband with anyone else. Swinging also comes to mind. I am just amazed by people who are able to handle that lifestlye. Sometimes it turns me on incredibly, the thought of it, but then I think of looking across the room and seeing Atlas with another woman, and I lose the complete satisfation in the idea. Like I mentioned it is not for Atlas and I as our jealousies run deep, but the incredible rush that these couples describe when they are feeling someone else touch them, kiss them, caress them, fuck them. I still get butterflies when Atlas touches me, when he whispers in my ear that he wants me, or when he pushes his naked body against mine. I couldn't imagine what someone else would feel like, I don't even remember anyone else's touch but Atlas'.
I am guilty of masturbating in bed next to Atlas while he sleeps. Since I have had children I have had a very difficult time sleeping at night. I have asked my doctor to prescribe me sleeping pills but she won't. She says that as the kids grow I will be ale to sleep. Thanks doc what about now. So if I masturbate I can easily curl up next to Atlas and fall asleep and he knows no different.
I am guilty of faking an orgasm on occassion. I know I know, I shouldn't do it, If I fake it he'll never know when I am or am not. If Atlas goes down on me, I cum, usually pretty quick or within a reasonable amount of time. In order to cum during actually sex I have to have a lot of clit stimulation, I was actually thinking of investing in a bullet but I am not quite sure of how to introduce it into our lovemaking without making Atlas feel like he is not satisfying me because he does I just think it could be even better.
Perhaps that is enough for tonight. I'm quite tired and I have a lot to do tomarrow.

As I sit here on this windy windy windy night I think about some of the things that have been on my mind lately. I am almost done with the semester and much like the rest of the semesters things seem to come together at the end. Hopefully it will be another Dean's list performance for me. Not that it makes a big deal, when I graduate I am still going to be what I am going to be, whether I get by with Cs or As. But I want better for myself, I want to set an example for my children to work towards, if I can do it, then so can you. Atlas has been working long hours this week, coming home late at night, mostly in aggitated moods. I offered to give him a grade A blow job two nights ago and he denied me saying that he was tired, had been in the car for four hours and didn't want me to without taking a shower. Well... I guess he was doing me a favor but I really enjoy pleasing him. Last night he came home and I was already in bed, asleep with our 1 year old in bed with me. Atlas climbed in bed after eating the dinner that I had him left in the microwave. He slid his hands over my body but that was the extent of our night. This morning he said I grumbled rolled over and didn't seem interested. Let's face it, if he would of wanted it I would have been ready and willing, as I have a much higher sex drive than Atlas. So this morning as we are sitting on the couch Atlas kept suggesting that I give him some oral loving before rushing out the door to school. Well, I get up at 6, I have to be out of the house by 7 in order to make it to school on time... sorry no loving from me this morning. I suggested he wait til later and we make it a great night but he warned me that he was going to have to take care of it himself. Fine, I do almost every night if he isn't home and sometimes even when he is. I sleep better that way. Oh well... I think I am going to get going here. The weather is pretty rough and I think I may shower, shave, and wait on Atlas to get home, maybe he won't be too grumpy, tired, or smelly to take advantage of me.

Two nights ago

We started talking on the bed. He was laying with his head towards my knees. I am under the covers. Atlas throws the covers back exposing me. I laugh, as we continue to talk, he kisses my leg, my upper thigh, my hip and then lower. As he lowers his kisses to my clit I arch my back and close my eyes. This is exactly what I need to relax. Atlas takes his fingers and slides them inside me, within seconds I cum. He continues as I wiggle and try and escape, I'm too sensitive to be touched but he pushes on. It takes a few tries to free my arm from his legs but I am finally able to taste him. I love the feel of him in my mouth. We are in the 69 position and I move down his body and sit above his head. I kiss him. He tastes sweet, my Atlas. I move alongside his body and finally take him in my mouth without the distraction of pleasure. I work on him until he is at the brink. I climb on top of him and begin to ride his hard cock. It feels so good. I lean down and he sucks on my nipples. Finally after 4 years of breastfeeding they are his again. He asks me what I want, and I tell him, fuck me, hard. He does as I ask. slamming into me until he is about to cum. I slide down his body and take him in my mouth. As I slide up his body to finish him off he pushes me onto my stomach. He pushes me onto the bed and pushes into be. Deep, hard, rough, just how I asked to be fucked. Atlas and I cum together and fall into a sweaty pile on our bed. Oh how I love the way he looks at me, the way he fucks me, the way he loves me.

The word of the day is resentment.

I am going to school. I am currently taking a class that today's main topic of dicussion was parenthood and since i was the only person in the class who has children I was the only person able to give any input to the statistics. Yes... the professor does not even have children, she is too busy wiht her career, well, that's what she tells our class. Anyway... Statistics show that martial satisfation takes a huge dip in the first years after having children. Do you find that to be true? The teacher claims, lack of sex, and sleep and other issues account for this but I didn't agree. I didn't feel that my MARITIAL satisfaction has ever dipped. I am completely happy with my husband with our marriage. I do believe that my life satisfation dipped but it didn't have anything to do with my husband... it had to do with the roles I had taken on... then the professor states studies show that women's martial satisfation drops more than men's much quicker than men's after having children and in the first couple years of parenthood. I caught myself thinking... Did my satisfaction level drop when I had children? The professor asks the class for input, why do we think this happens. I didn't answer I didn't think that it was true in my case. Someone brings up the word resentment. Women, in the first years after having children resent their husbands. Did I resent my husband? Why would this happen. The professor goes on, resentment that his body didn't change because of pregnancy, nope not me, I went right back to my size 3/5s, my boobs were bigger, fuller, my hair longer healhty, nope didn't resent him for that. Resent that their husband's role with his friends have not changed, not really... well okay maybe alittle, my friends who were all 20-21 when I had my first child didn't want to hang out with a girl who had to get home to nurse her baby. Yeah, but Atlas never really went out with the guys to "hang out". Resent the fact that their husbands don't stay at home. Perhaps, I kind of chose to stay home but really I would rather be working, but our kids are only babies once, and its not like I am not pulling a paycheck every two weeks, my job is simply to go to school. So... Resentment... it sat in my head but I never really thought about it much until I tried to call Atlas on his cell phone, no answer, tried to call his other cell, no answer, tried to call his office line no answer... hmmm.. I am sitting home trying to finish homework, two toddlers running around screaming, dinner on the stove, I had expected Atlas home early today... and no Atlas. So finally Atlas calls me, "I am just leaving the office" "No you aren't" Don't try and lie to me. I never call him at work, never, today I just happened to want to ask him a question. "I called your office number, no one answered" " OH we went out to dinner". OKay. " I will talk to you later." "NO don't do that. I had a real shitty day," He goes on to tell me about his day. I agree it did suck, I'm sorry, I understand you don't like your job." I don't like mine either". Atlas is silent. That wasn't what I expected you to say." " What did you want me to say?" "I thought you would like have some sympathy or something." I paused and the word resentment ran through my head. SYMPATHY!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! You just told me you went to a movie! SYMPATHY! I was at home all day with the kids, cooking, cleaning and doing homework, SYMPATHY! No, that isn't the word for what I was feeling... I think that word is resentment.