The Holiday Season

Tis the season... I had a great day! My peacful night slumber that was desperatley needed after being a good little Santa last night was interupted by a crabby 18 month old who not only played too much for too long today but is feeling rather miserable all weekend. I can't help but feel a bit cheated over the holiday. It is my own fault though, perhaps I put I bit too much hope into what I want to happen and not enough act in getting it to happen. I imagine my Christmas eve a quick stop by the in-laws for drinks and socialbility, then home to get our two children under 5 years old into bed before 10. A bottle of wine, finish wrapping the kids gifts, eat santa's cookies, write a quick note, and make sweet, quiet, sensuous love to my husband in our living room, wrapped gifts around us, christmas tree and lights lit, the fireplace going, go to bed, fall asleep in eachother's arms happy to be together, happy to be in love. What actually happened? We go to Atlas' parents who spoke to me (yay go them!), stay far too long, we get home at midnight, I don't drink there, and am very much frustrated that I have 10 bags of presents to wrpa and situate when our small children are so ecited they can't fall asleep when we get home. So we arrive home at midnight, at 1am I give the kids benadryl, by 145 they are both asleep. But alas, Atlas who drank at his parents in asleep in bed. I go about my elfly business and wrap all of the presents ALONE, I finally wake up Atlas who I need to help my carry the children's big gift from the garage. He goes with me, we carry the trampoline down to the house, set up the room, Atlas eats santas cookies, dumps the 2hr old milk down the drain, doesn't write a note. He plays on the computer and we retire to bed alittle after 3am. No love making, no wine, not what I imagined. So christmas day comes to early but the morning with children who believe in santa is unbelievable. It was amazing. They make me laugh, and smile, and clap my hands. Atlas and I exchange gifts, I get him a suit(that doesn't fit), a blu-ray player, tshirts, boxers, bodywash, deoderant, hat, gloves, led hunting lights, a knife sharpener, and a few other odds and ends. I get a wallet, perfume, make-up (which is nice but I really don't wear), hat, gloves, and boots. The boots are not the kind that I wanted, not really but they will...eh... they will do becuase I will not take them back. I asked for boots, the slide on and can wear with jeans, I use my daughters Ugs as an example (exactly what I wanted, simple easy, could get them at walmart and i wouldn't of cared), I get boots that slide on and I could technically wear with jeans, or I could wear bear hunting in the norhren circle. I'm sure he bought them at gander mountain or some sort of sproting goods store, they are nice, epensive I'm sure, and more than I really wanted. I just wanted a pair of no-name Ugs look alikes to wear around the house, to school, to the store whatever. Fine, its not a big deal, I don't really do Christmas for the gifts anyway, I enjoy everything else more. So I make a big dinner, for less than half the people I expected but I enjoyed spending time with everyone. I had such a great day, like made me smile thinking about it, I climbed into bed with my husband, children happily passed out, and I told him, I had a really really great day. I even said to his family, that it was the best christmas I ever had, and it was, it is. But I now have a sour tast in my mouth. As I was rocking the 1 year old who isn't feeling well back to sleep, I pick up Atlas' phone and skim to the messages to see who all said Merry Christmas. and what to my wondering eye should appear but a message stating, have had enough, I need to get out for a break. As I am sitting here Iit brings tears to my eyes because I think about how excited I was to sit down tonight and try and watch a movie with Atlas,or how I laid my head on his chest and told him I had such a great day, he nodded and agreed but secretly, he needed a break, I didn't want to be here with his family, would of rather been out in a dirty poker room, with his buddies than cuddled on the couch with me. I wanted to make love, I wanted to feel his body against mine, I wanted to feel him. I feel so hurt by that little tiny expression, is that wrong of me? I just don't understand... Its not like he had to cook dinner, pr do the dishes or clean up the mess. Nothing, I didn't ask anything of him except expecting him to be here with me and his kids on christmas. I look to the future, and I know that in our line of work that there is going to be holidays spent apart, Christmas' alone... and I can't help but think about how much I will miss days like today... and wonder if he ever will.