Its the first time in a long time

That I feel alone. Atlas went out to play poker and I feel like I am alone. He was going to go whether I said so or not. So him asking me permission was just a formality. He had it planned on Tuesday when "ed" who is actually a girl who likes to call Atlas "babe" mentioned a poker game on Saturday. He didn't go out last night because he wanted to go out tonight and he made a point early in the day of mentioning some stuff that was going on in the poker room tonight. So... then what... our children being horrible... nappped late wide awake, iced tea high... and he leaves me. Alone with the kids OUR kids... I decided next weekend its my turn. I will ask him... tell him,that I am going out and he is welcome to join me if HE can find a sitter...

I had a crown and coke so maybe I am talking out my ass but I am here alone. Sitting here watching some stupid movies... while my kids fight eachother over play doh and crayons that I didn't want to open in the first place. Wow. Sometimes I let people walk all over me. What would happen if for one day I stopped doing anyhting, if mom/wife went on strike. I looked out in the kitchen, dinner still in the crockpot, salad still sitting on the counter, dishes in the sink, juice boxes on the table... What if i just walked into my room and went to sleep. Bet when I woke up tomarrow it would all still be there... and it would all sit there until I was so tired of walking by it that I crossed the strike line and worked with the scabs...

Atlas thanked me tonight for dealing with him during this month. Its been a rough month at work for him and I have tried to help. I have dealt with his bad moods adapted and overcame. Next week he is away monday night and then the week after he is away for three days... I don't know if i am looking forward to a break or if I am going to miss him.

Sometimes I just feel like I need a break. Like there are so few people that understand me or what I am going through. I'm a 25 year old mother of two, wife of 6 years, 14 years away from retirement in my career... I don't fit in with the normal 25 year old and sometimes it just sucks. I can't just be a college kid, I can't just be his wife, I cna't just be their mother I have to be everyone's everything.

I look at my children and I well up with tears. I adore them, love them. They are such incredible creatures. Loving, genuine, truthful, full of life, no worries... I just am so in love with my children... then I look at people my age, people in movies ( okay bad example its not real) but still... I want to see things and do things and I am so tied down. If I decide i want to do something I not only have to find someone to watch the kids, I have to find someone to come and take care of the dogs, and the house, I have to make sure its okay for me not to go to class, I have to talk to my boss, I have to benc over backwards and kiss someone's ass just to leave the area...

Im jsut a little overwhelmed... overworked, underpayed, underapprecaited... maybe I am a little resentful... Atlas is out... playing poker... where the girl who runs it calls him "babe" all the TIME! (okay, its wrong but I read his text messages). If you really think its wrong of me ask for more information... I have my reasons. He works until 8/9pm every night and i am locked down at home...

Wow... maybe its too much for now. I'm sure its the alcohol in me but its something I need to get off my chest, at least online so that i can tuck it all back in before Atlas gets home tonight. Or maybe I should bring it up to him... Tell him I need more help, I need more from him... I need a break. Mom's going on strike... at least after the kids go to bed and until they wake up...