I'm Baaacck

I got some good stories to tell to but that will have to wait till after the Holidays!!! Merry Christmas all! It's good to be home.

Veteran's Day

I am a veteran... I have been serving my country for over a quarter of my life. Tomorrow I am going to take my bags and get on a plane and leave my family and my little ones for longer than most people can imagine being apart over work... but that's why I do this job... I do it because other people don't, won't , or can't. I am proud of my job, my country and my accomplishments. I don't ask that you feel bad for me, I have chosen this life, I have volunteered for it and I love it. Keep in mind not just today, that veteran's are not always the people who wear the uniforms. The families of these people sacrifice so much for our country that most civilians never will truly understand the dedication of the spouses, mothers, fathers, families, siblings and children that keep a watch light on, and a weathered eye on the horizon. It is because of their dedication, and their support and their love, that soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen around the world can do their job... and it is those soldiers sailors marines and airmens dedication to their job that allow their families to sleep soundly at night knowing a veteran stands the watch.

Happy Veteran's Day! I am not sure if I will post again before I leave. If I don't. I will talk to you all again before Christmas, because I WILL be home for Christmas ;)

TMI Tuesday: Conspicuous Luxury

TMI Tuesday: Conspicuous Luxury

This week’s TMI Tuesday was the idea of http://virtualsin.wordpress.com/

Jack's Answers

1. Do you have a set of dishes that are used for special occassions (e.g. china)? Yes or no. If yes, how often do you use the special dishes?

a. any day because every day is special

b. once a week

c. only for holidays and celebration

d. never, it is displayed in a china cabinet or collecting dust in a box in the attic

No Special dishes here. I have small children and they are not practical. We did not have a big wedding... as I may have mentioned before we just kind of ran off and got married on our own. I have 3 separate sets of dishes and for special occasions such as holidays when I am feeding 20+ people at a time, it is usually a hodgepodge of different dishes and silver.

2. Do have clothes that you never wear because you are saving them for a special occasion? What is that item of clothing? What would be the appropriate occasion?

Again, not really. I am a very basic jeans and t-shirt, or sweat shirt kind of girl. Its pretty rare that I get dressed up or save a specific piece of clothing for an occasion. I have in the past attended many balls and events where floor length gowns were appropriate so I have had them in my closet, but usually after 1 wear they move on.

3. If you suddenly became very wealthy, which servants would you employ?

a. cleaning service

b. housekeeper

c. cook

d. valet/maid/lady-in-waiting

e. chauffeur

f. dog-walker

g. other

I have spoke with Atlas in the past of hiring a housekeeper just because I was almost too busy at the time to keep up. That would probably be one of the first people that I would hire. I would hire a nanny too. God love my children but sometimes I need a break and a nanny would be awesome. I would hire a cook for some things but I still enjoy cooking so maybe that would be a part time investment. I don't ride around in cars too much so a chauffeur would be a waste of time, and my dogs walk themselves ;)

4. If you were wealthy, how many homes would you own? Where? (locations–mountains, tropical places for the winter, foreign country/city)

I find this question kind of amusing for the simple fact I just bought my second house... which is on the beach. My first home is out in the country on a nice plot of land and is a large log cabin... so It seems as though although I am not wealthy... I have all the homes I need for right now. When Atlas and I leave the beach I am sure we will buy another home at our next location... for us, with dogs and kids, it is easier and cheaper to buy a home than find someone who is willing to rent to us.

5. If you were going to take on a really expensive hobby, which of these would it be?

a. buy an airplane

b. buy a yacht

c. buy a small winery

d. raise exotic animals
Hm, an expensive hobby. I love to hunt and fish so I would probably go with something like that. Travel and hunt and fish in new locations... and yes that gets expensive. A trip up to Alaska to hunt Elk or Moose can cost upwards of 10K... a tuna charter to go out for the CHANCE to catch a bluefin tuna in Massachusetts can cost up to 1000 dollars for 6 hours. So... although I would love to travel I need something to actively be doing and seeing while traveling and getting out into nature and truly appreciating it for what it is would be my hobby of choice.

6. What kind of car would you buy if you had an unlimited budget?

a. expensive sports car

b. luxury car

c. monster truck

d. expensive hybrid or electric car

e. cheap car (I’d be too nervous driving an expensive car).

f. something for the chauffeur to drive me around in

Again, I kind of chuckled. I just bought my car of choice this past year, I have a 2011 yellow and white 2SS Camaro. I love it ! I also have 2 practical everyday use vehicles, a big pick up and an SUV... So I think I would stick with the cars I already have. Maybe trade the 2011 Camaro in for the 2012 ZL1 Camaro... maybe I would do that without unlimited funds though ;)

Bonus: Currently, what is your favorite luxury item or decadent thing that you do?

I am not sure. I enjoy the car... but probably my house. Its Atlas and I's dream house and there is very few things that I would trade it in for. I am very happy with the things that I have, I am not too much for luxury but every once in awhile I enjoy nice things.

Getting ready to go

Have you ever had to leave you significant other/spouse for a semi significant amount of time? How did you handle things on the lead up to it, and what happened. This isn't the first time Atlas and I will be separated by many miles for longer than a month but this is the first time that I am the one who is leaving.

Usually leading up to the separation it goes in phases, most people are very clingy, then try to be very intimate, then usually fight and get angry and then things calm right before they leave. This is a normal response because you know its coming and you are really looking for a reason not to miss the other person.

Its truly stupid thinking but that is what happens with most people. Atlas and I are not most people. We haven't changed a thing. We are the same happy go lucky couple today that we were at the beginning of the year. Its the the back of our minds... and in front of our eyes all the time. I have my suitcase out and my travel paperwork on my bed stand. Saturday is coming whether we are ready or not.

I am ready to go. I just want to go and get it over with, come home and enjoy the holidays. This year won't be the same, its really going to be a difficult holiday season. My one sister is not coming home from Florida, my mom won't be here, and my other sister is not the girl that she was last year.... Its as though everything has changed. Last Christmas was the first time in a long time my sisters and I were all in the same house together, it was the last time we were all able to be together with my mom. Crazy isn't it?

I will be packing up and getting out of town 2 days after Christmas this year. Atlas and I will be starting our new life down in Virginia very soon... Looking forward to a new year and a new start.

I have not mentally prepared myself to be away from my little ones for 5 weeks. I am nervous about not being with my kids more than I am going to training and being apart from Atlas. I guess we will see soon how it all works out. I bet he appreciates me a lot more when I come home.

TMI Tuesday

Not related.


1. Name 5 things you did more of before social networking (facebook, myspace, twitter, etc.)?

~Called people on the phone
~Read more books
~UNIntentionally ignored people I went to high school with, Now i do it with a purpose.
~Slept more
~Cared more about people... social networking really just proves again how much people suck and it makes me sad.

2. Your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?

My kids. That is a silly one! You mean aside from them though? probably my camera because I have 2700 pictures on it I am too lazy to take off.

3. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
Used to be a night owl because of some insomia problems but a trip to the doctor has returned me and my sleep cycle into a morning person and I LOVE it!

a. What time did you go to bed last night?

Halftime of the Monday Night football game while the Ratbirds were getting their asses handed to them.

b. What time did you wake up today?

Much earlier than I usually do. I woke up laying on my stomach to the feel of Atlas kneeling behind me pulling my shorts down. It was a GOOD way to wake up.

4. A kid comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?

Punch them in the face... initial reaction... But really I would find out who this shitty kid's parents are and probably go punch them in the face because its THEIR fault society is gonna suck more than it already does.

5. What three things do you never leave the house without?

~Keys
~cellphone
~Ipod

Bonus: Name a place that you visited last week that you’ve never visited before. Briefly tell us about the visit.

No where? I have been staying really close to home lately. My days are consisting of visiting my sister and my grandmother, household chores, trips to walmart and droping off bags of stuff to goodwill as I am cleaning and organizing everything preparing for the move to Virginia.
————-

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Tuesday

1. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”…What is it that you will show me?
Probably attitude. I am all for treating people the way you would like them to treat you so if you are acting a fool I am going to treat you like a fool. The same goes for if you are a bitch I will be a bitch to you, if you are ignorant I will treat you as such and if you act like a small child, I will treat you like one of mine, and trust me I am a lot stricter parent than 95 percent of people I know.

2. What was the last thing you regret buying?

I do not often buy a lot of things for myself. When I do go shopping it is for something that we need. I regret buying some books, I have tried to read " Eat, Pray, Love" three times and have not made it past Italy... So that was a waste of money that just sits on my book shelf and when someone sees it and goes "OH what a great Book" I can't even agree because I didn't even make it a third of the way through it.


3. How happy are you? 1 = not happy at all to 5 = very happy

Truly depends on the day. On average I am a 4-5. I am extremely happy with my life, I just have a lot of stress recently and it is just now starting to works its way out. I am working out again on a regular basis so that really is helping with the stress level.

4. Last night, what did you go to bed thinking about?

Sex, its usually what I think about before going to bed. Unfortunately I was too tired to really make a move so I just simply asked Atlas to cuddle with me for awhile thinking it might lead to something else... it didn't but I woke up feeling much more refreshed.

5. Tell us something that made you happy this past week or made you think “that’s cool!”

My sister saying " I love you" and "bye" for the first time since her accident. I was there I heard it and it made me cry, happy tears of course. This from a girl the doctors told us had no brain activity and would never breathe on her own. The moral of the story, never lose faith... Believe like nothing is impossible.

Bonus: What is your favorite mark of punctuation? Why?

Oh this is funny and I have the same answer as Will! I overuse the Ellipsis (...) in my writing. I tend to write how I speak and I often leave a lot of pauses and allow my conversational partner a chance to speak. I also do this too much when I am "chatting" online, anyone that chats with me probably notices that... its like my thoughts just kind of trail off or I am patiently waiting for someone to say something... maybe not so patiently.

Disappointing

I'm not leaving after all. At least not until next month now but that isn't what I am disappointed in. People. People in general disgust me. My family...erg... my extended family has been torn into shambles in the last few months. My mom being sick and passing and my sister's car accident and her severe traumatic brain injury has really shown me things about my family that I do not like anymore.

As a child you think that everyone is good and that people are there to help you then as an adult you see people suck and generally want to help themselves. This is what I am bitching about. My grandmother, my mother's mother, moved in with me when I moved back into the area. After 3 years of living with me and my children she moved home to be with her daughter while she was sick. My mother lived in my grandmother's home, so did my sister. So now neither of them are there and my grandmother is in this house, a two story house that she can barely go up and down the stairs.

We live in Pennsylvania and there is no heat in the house right now. My mother used a wood burner and this is just impractical for my grandmother because she can barely walk let alone carry wood in and load the wood burner watch it burn close the damper take care of it ect ect ect. So my grandmother is staying in a house in 50 degree weather with no heat. There is also a leak in the foundation so every 3 days after it rains the entire basement is soaked with water. and 3 days after that the mold continues to grow.

Its sick. I am sick to my stomach over it and there is nothing I can do. I bought a house in Virginia with the idea that my grandmother can come and stay with me, she had lived with me for the last 3 years why not now. Everything on one floor, kitchen, bathroom, laundry her room, living room... but she won't leave here because she has my mother's dogs.

Okay, we need to get rid of the dogs, its a fair argument. Here is the part that annoys me, I talk to my grandmother this morning ask her how she is doing " I'm cold" well no shit you are its 45 degrees outside. So I call her back at noon to make sure she is up and moving and I tell her she needs to call someone and have them look at her chimney today or do something because next week there are snow flurries in the forecast. She goes on to tell me she has no money, that everyone wants her to do something else and she just has no money for it right now. I tell her I am calling my uncle who is a contracter. I call his wife " I am concerned that gram doesn't have any heat and its going to snow next week"
" why doesn't she have any heat" REALLY? REALLY? You are over there twice a week and you don't know how she doesn't have any heat? So I explain all of that to her. She says something along the lines of we will go over and see her tonight and see what she needs.

So, she goes on to say, gram needs to get rid of the dogs and sell the house. YES I agree and she can move in with me. "She would never move away from everyone"...

AWAY FROM WHO? From my mother who lived with her who is dead? My sister who lived with her who is now living with my dad because she needs 24/7 care that she can not provide? To the son and daughter who live a mile away but don't realize their mother does not have heat and is living in a moldy house? The other daughter who calls every three weeks? or the other son who only calls when he has something to bitch about to make her feel bad? I'm just sick over it. I am not doing this selfishly, I gain nothing by having her move with me. I want her to be somewhere where she is with a family, where we love her and can care for her. She needs someone to help her do regular things. She doesn't cook or clean...

What do I do? I want to wash m hands of the situation, and not care, and pretend that I know nothing about what is going on but I can't do that. Every time someone tells me that I am wrong for wanting her to be with me, I feel even worse. Before my mom got sick gram was going to come with me, no questions asked, she has nothing here to keep her here really... but I am the bad person who wanting better for her, I'm the bad one for complaining about the conditions she is living in.

If you wouldn't live there why should we expect/ALLOW her to? I would not sit in a moldy cold room day after day... but I am the only one that seems to care that she is living in deplorable conditions.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

So I will be leaving this week to go do some training. I will be without computer and internet for approximately 5 weeks. So I will not be blogging but will probably be able to answer emails. During this time I am going to make the blog private for the simple reason that I am not around to monitor it. So please, stick around I will be back... I will be going private towards the end of the week. Thanks!

HNT on Tops and Bottoms ( sorry no post its)

TMI: Breaking up is hard to do

1. What’s the worst reason you have been given for breaking up?

My first real boyfriend broke up with me, for the first time my sophomore year of high school, a month after my grandfather died, and 3 days after my house burned down. He said that it was because he could not deal with all of my emotions. So... I am near break down levels and this kid decides that he can't handle emotions... we had been together for over a year too. A few days later he asked me if it would be okay for him to go on a date with some senior girl or if I didn't think it was a good idea... I obviously didn't think it was a good idea, and that girl jumped me at lunch a few days later. As I was kneeling on her chest ready to throw a punch my track coach came up behind me and picked me up off her and took me in another room. I did not get in trouble, and I got to run in the meet the next day. The girl was suspended. It was one of those stupid high school relationships where we were together on and off for the next 2 years.

2. What’s the worst reason you gave, to someone, for breaking up?

I ever told someone? Probably nothing, I just stopped answering my phone every time this one boy called me. I didn't like him, it wasn't that I didn't see a future with us, I didn't see a present with us.

3. Have you ever engineered the end of a relationship e.g doing something you know will put the other person off? If yes, what did you do?

I did. I went and hung out with an ex to get my current boyfriend to leave me alone. Happened that the same night I was hanging out with my ex, the current boyfriend was in a car accident and called me 30 times, while I didn't answer. I felt really bad about it because he was a really nice kid, had a great job and a nice car... but I wasn't really after those things then. I just wanted someone to have fun with and he wasn't fulfilling the fun quota.

4. Have you ever stayed with a partner just because you could not bear to end it?

Again, that silly high school boyfriend thing. I stayed long long LONG after I should of. My mother was extremely strict so when I would have to be home for the night he would drop me off and go to parties. I should of stopped then. But even after we had broken up we continued to have sex on a regular basis and it was horrible sex at that because there was no feelings behind it, when it was over I was glad to get up and move on to the next thing I "had" to do that day.

5. Have you ever encouraged a friend to end a relationship? What happened? Are you still friends?

Eh... guilty. I encouraged my best friend to end a relationship with a boy who I had been friends with since we were little. I encouraged this because I was jealous probably, but more because the boy and I spent a lot of time together alone and because things were progressing between us. We spent a lot of time together, fishing, and sitting around a fire, swimming in lakes, doing what normal high school kids do in rural areas... It is one probably the only relationship I have in my life that I look at and wonder what could have been. We are still friends, he and his wife just had their second child last year but when we hug sometimes, you can tell that there is more there. The girl? Yes we are still friends, She was my best friend and she didn't really like him, the were exact opposites, and I think they started dating simply because they had me in common.

Bonus: Have you ever been the cause of a relationship to end? Tell us about it.

I have, and then I was mostly intentional, I know I was a horrible person, but I was also a young stupid girl, and when it came to boys I usually got what I wanted. So although I may have been the cause of a few relationships ending, I am fairly sure that most of them got back together after I was done with it. It sounds mean and spiteful and horrible... and maybe I was that person then looking back now, but at the time it was all in good fun and I never saw the pain that I know now that I probably caused. I apologize to any girls who's boyfriend I may have borrowed... but it swear it was all in good fun.

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Feeling Frisky

Who wants to play? ooOooOOo I do I do, pick me pick me!

Sunday Stealing ( on Monday)

This is stolen from Jack and Jill over at Frisky in the 916... I'm having a hard time linking anything this morning so check them out if you get a chance. Thanks for the inspiration!


1. Can you cook?

I Sure Can! I cook almost everyday right now since I am home but once I start working again full time I usually return to cooking full meals 4 times a week with enough for left overs on the other days. Atlas is the professionally trained chef but I do the majority of the cooking in the house.

2. What was your dream growing up?

Not really sure what my dream was. To be happy I think. A lot of my childhood was spent in turmoil and viewing relationships that were not good examples of what I wanted. So I think I just wanted to get away from home and to be happy. My dream of happiness and love and comfort and being able to take care of myself has been very much attained.

3. What talent do you wish you had?

Playing an instrument. I am going to learn. Its the next thing on the bucket list. I just have to pick out what I want to play.

4. Favorite place?

Favorite place? I enjoy being at home. I love my house, I love my room, and when its quiet its the best place on earth.

5. Favorite vegetable?

I eat all kinds of vegetables. If I had to choose just one I don't know what I would pick. I like cooked spinach. I like it alone, I like it creamed, I like it in dips, I like it in eggs, in salads... Yes that would have to be my favorite.

6. What was the last book you read.

Something Nursing and Testing related, boring and annoying.

7. What zodiac sign are you?

Scorpio.

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?

My ears are pierced, I have 3 holes in each but usually only wear two per. My belly button and eyebrow were pierced in high school and I took them out shortly after graduating. I have 3 tattoos, One on my hip that I got when I was 18, one on my hand that I got when I was 21, and one on my right calf I got two months ago.

9. Worst Habit?

Procrastinating. I should be studying right now but this seemed so much more fun. Then I should study and I will go do housework or start dinner... its always something.

10. Do you personally know anybody on Blog?
No, not personally, some people I know a little more than their blog but even that isn't much. I would love to know some of the people on here on a more personal level. Maybe someday.

11. What is your favorite sport?

Favorite sport to play? Basketball. I played all through high school, I love the athleticism of it and the sweat and the close contact and aggression. To watch I am a die hard football fan but my heart lies in hockey. It just such a tough sport, the skate and handle a puck with all the padding is incredible to me then add hitting and fighting and scoring and its damn near an art form.

12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?

Overly Optimistic.I always see a silver ling to everything and I don't see much point focusing on things that are out of our control. Worrying and stress never made anyone feel better.

13. What would you do if you were stuck in an lift with someone of the opposite sex?

Talk? LOL. I guess it would depend on who and how long we were there. I enjoy kissing maybe making out would be a good option.

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?

See! The worst thing to happen to me? This summer all around has been fairly shitty. With my mom being sick and eventually passing and my sister's car accident, and everything else that happened along the way. However it didn't really happen to me, I was just an observer, I was connected genetically and emotionally to the entire situation so although it hurt, the physical pain and suffering of all the situations were not technically mine.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you:

I do not drink Milk... at all, I even eat cereal dry.

16. Do you have any pets?

3 large meat-head monster lap dogs. 3 Mastiffs... pets... more like horses.

17. Do you know how to do the macarena?

I do, but I haven't had to do it in a very very long time.

18. Is the sun shining where you are now?

No its cold and rainy here just like its been for the last 3 days. Its fall *sigh*

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

Neither? I could really give or take them. They don't freak me out, but I don't really see the appeal of it either. I like stand up comedians because I like to laugh and they don't have to wear all that makeup to be funny.

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

I think most of the things that I didn't like that I could change I did change. I didn't like my teeth, I got them straightened. I didn't like wearing glasses all the time, I got LASIK. I didn't like the way my boobs looked after breastfeeding for 4 years straight so I got them "refiled". I am really comfortable and content with myself and what I have so I wouldn't change another thing.

21. Would you be my good angel or bad angel?

I good angel. I think in general most people just suck so I feel most people could use a good kick in the ass and pointed in the right direction every now and again.

22. What color eyes do you have?

Blue. Sometimes its a greyish ocean blue other times they are very dark blue.

23. Ever been married? Yes 7 years and counting.

24. Bottle or Draft?

Neither, I don't drink beer. I just don't like the taste. If I am out and drinking chances are I have a grey goose and cranberry in my hand or a captain and coke, or crown black and coke. If I'm drinking, I probably want a buzz and beer won't get me there because I have to choke it down.

25. If you won £10,000 today, what would you do with it?

Turn it into dollars and then take a vacation. Probably Bora Bora, that is looking like the next adventure.

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?

No gum, I am scared it will stick to my teeth and pull them out. I know unrealistic ideas but it all makes sense in my head alright?

27. What's your favorite bar to hang at?

Bar a mile from our house. Its got good music on the weekends and a small crowd of townies that are real people and enjoy having a good time.

28. Do you believe in ghosts?

Why not? I am fairly certain when I was young like 5, I saw a ghost in my bedroom. I pulled the covers over my head and called for my mom. I remember all of this fairly well so it must of made an impression on me.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

Sleep, play on the computer, Chat online.

30. Do you swear a lot?

Heh, Like a Fucking Sailor :)

31. Biggest pet peeve?

Chewing with your mouth open or talking with food in your mouth.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself? Charismatic

33. In two words, how would you describe yourself? Coolest Ever

HNT Somtimes you need some Thrills....

Sometimes my favorite thing in the world is to wear fancy lingerie under my everyday normal clothes. What a surprise it is ay night then when I strip down to get in the shower or to hop in bed. Surprise!

I stole this... thanks Will for some inspiration

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Enough is enough and its time for a change!

This summer has been one sad, depressing event after another. I remember a post I wrote asking " are people really this happy?" Yes we were, we are. Its just been one thing after another this year. First my mom's diagnosis in mid May, then my sister's car accident on June 12th. She has traumatic brain injury, and is at a nursing home right now, 25 years old in a nursing home. My mom passed a week ago Sunday. Then there was a dog fight at my mom's Sunday night, and I had to rush my mother's 12 year old 115lb dog to the emergency vet for surgery because my aunt's rottie mix ripped off his front bicep... no joke, 1000 dollars later the dog is around, limping with staples and stitches but here. As we were loading the dog into the car Atlas' hand slides off the tailgate and his elbow connects with my left eye. I had the first black eye of my life for my mother's memorial service and party. About a month ago my son spilled boiling soup down his chest that resulted in a 6x6 second degree burn... This is no joke, this is what my life has been like for the last 2 and a half months. Both my windshields got busted in my vehicles while driving behind trucks that spit stones... Just couldn't catch a break.

However, there is a silver lining, there has to be, and here it is... I graduated. I was commissioned as a Nurse in the United States Navy. My mom was there to do it. We had a huge party to celebrate. I got a huge pay raise, I traded in my 2008 Kia Sorento for a 2012 for lower payments. I refinanced my house for 3 years less mortgage and 200 less a month. We are going to look to buy a new house in Virginia this weekend since we will be moving to that area shortly after Christmas.

I haven't cried hard for my mom yet. I cried more before she died that I have since. It just wasn't my mom laying in that bed Sunday morning. She had lost nearly 50 pounds, she had no hair ( from the chemo), she wasn't speaking, she screamed out in pain everytime I went to move her... It was heart breaking... but that wasn't my mom. My mom left a few weeks ago... She was the strongest, toughest person I will ever meet... its just a sad situation all around. Alas though, I am here to tell it, both myself and atlas are healthy, our children are smart strong beautiful individuals. We make a comfortable living and have nice things... I have to look at the bad with the good.... or the good with the bad in this case. Thank you all for reading, for keeping up and for the support.

She's gone

My mother passed away Sunday morning... she was 47years old. Left 3 young daughters, 2 grandchildren. a mother, a sister and two brothers... Im so very sad... but also relieved

When real life needs you

I've been busy. Like abnormally busy. After the whole crisis of my mother being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last month I was awoken one morning to a phone call that my baby sister only 18 months my younger was in a car accident, life flighted to a nearby trauma unit and was barely hanging on. She has since fought back but is still in a coma. She opens her eyes but is otherwise barely responsive. All this along with finishing up my last 3 classes to earn my BSN and summer has just flown by. But I have been lurking every so often when I really needed a break from rela life but trust me.... Real life needed the Real me for awhile.

The long awaited HNT

Yes its been a long long long time, but here it is... Happy HNT!!!!

TMI Tuesday

1. What time did you go to bed last night and were you alone?

Went to bed around 10, fell asleep around midnight... and no there was no funny business I just have a bad case of insomnia that I have to lay in bed with my eyes closed till I pass out. I was not alone, Atlas was in bed with me but he went to bed at 10 and fell asleep at 1003... Sooo semi alone, but I sometimes like it that way.

2. If you could be given ANY gift what would it be?

Any gift... side from a large lump sum of money I would have to go with


3. What was the last film that really moved/disturbed/thrilled you and why?

Really moved me? I really like The HurtLocker... Becuase a job, the adrenile becomes an addiction and there is no way in a civilized world to fill the desires that can be filled when in a warzone. It shows the struggle that that man goes through when he comes home and eh can not adjust to life here, how he continuously goes back again and again... At some point his luck will run out because there is no way to live an extended life when you live like that.

4. What is your favorite way to wake up and what is the first thing you do?

I love to feel Atlas' hand caressing me, reaching for me, needing me. I enjoy when I wake up to him kissing the back of my neck through my hair and as his hands glide over my breasts and drag down my stomach... I enjoy the way he reaches for my hips form behind and pulls me into him. The way his hands glide over my back or the way his fingers feel tangled in my loose hair... That's how I enjoy being woken up...

What usually happens... one of us wakes up and lets the dogs outside and wrangles the kiddos for breakfast while the other is able to sleep in.

5. You’ve been granted an extra hour in the day, what are you going to do?
a. Sleep more
b. Extend a sexual interlude
c. Shop
d. Finally fit in that workout that you usually can’t make time for

A.... without a shadow of a doubt. I always wake up thinkin a nap would be great right after lunch and it never ever happens.


BONUS: Are you in love or lust?

Wow.... Both... I am in love with Atlas... I am shamefully open about this and I often lust for his touch. But there are still many others that I lust for...

She's amazing

Went to see my mom today. She had her appointment with the oncologist who has everything ready for her to start chemo on monday. The point of chemo not to cure her, but to slow the cancer down and hopefully give her time. I have seen it happen the other way so many times before... the chemo is the part that cuts your time... most of the time, but my mom isn't a "most of the time" kind of person... I went and pulled weeds at her house, she wants to get her gazebo up and her pool opened and we are gonna go and do that tomarrow. While I was there my mom cleaned up after her dogs and weedwacked her backyard... Amazing... simply amazing...

verbal HNT

So life got in the way again. I took some pics before clinical changed my mind after... So I am gonna do my best to describe myself... truthfully... and let your imagination do the rest and I will get a pic up sooner or later I promise.

I'm, 5'7, 140 pounds... I have long hair to about my braline on my back, it used to be blond but I have recently changed it to a nice auburn red which fits my blue eyes, fair skin, and freckles. I have a big smile and straight teeth that I spent 3 years of my adult life getting and paying for ( was miserable but worth it)... I wear a size 5 pants which isn't what I actually want but its far better than most after 2 children in 3 years and I am content in them... I have nice round soft 36D breasts that fit my body better than they ever did before I had children and I enjoy them the most out of any part of my body. I usually wear tight low cut tank tops that sit below my hip bones and a sweat shirt over top of form fitting flare leg jeans with my hair pulled back in a pony tail. I may not be someone's typical mom but I am very comfortable in my own skin.

So again life got in the way tonight, I spent most of my night at dear daughter's dance recitral rehersal and when I got home Atlas was already home on the computer and I didn't get a chance to get on till late tonight... its coming I promise.... Are you still going to wait?

i have a HNT

I just have to wait till I am done at clinical to put it up. Stay tuned:)

When life gets in the way

I have been stressed lately, of course. I got a million things going on personally, my family is stressed to the max over my mother and the medical issues I just need some sort of release. I want to get away for awhile. Just go away... spend some time on me for a while... I plan to do a HNT tomarrow. I am bored and stressed, I need a distraction from what is my too real real life... Who wants to play?

The Tumor board decided I guess with all of the information that it is in fact stomach cancer with mets to Bone... They are going to start Chemo on Monday... So please... if you have some prayers to spare send them to my mom... Her name is Holly... and thats a bit more personal than I would like to get but for the sake of prayers and hope... Im letting it go. Thank you.

TMI Tuesday

Getting to Know You...


1. What is your online profile name and what does it mean?

Redefine, Renew, Recover... I spent a large part of the last 7 or 8 years becoming a person that is not so much the person I was before that, or the person I saw myself becoming. However great and wonderful, married life and being a mother is I am in the process of redefining the person I am, and renewing the love for life that I once had and basically recovering from becoming an adult I guess.

2. How did you decide on the title of your blog?

Seemed appropriate... just fit I guess...

3. How much of your online personality transcends into your real life? What's the biggest difference between the two?

Hm I am really pretty similar in real life to the personality that I portray on here. Of course my name is not Hera... Hera is the greek goddess of marriage and birth which I am neither but it seemed appropriate at the time. Hera is known for her fury and even Zues her husband could not stand up to her. Recently my blog has been a lot realer than I would of liked but its the part of me that really wants to get some stuff off my chest without freaking everyone else out around me. The biggest difference between Hera and myself? I spend a lot of time with my husband and my children and I dont really like to talk about them at least my children on here.

4. What have you stumbled across through reading blogs that really made you want to try it out? Have you done it yet? Was it a good, bad or so so experience?

I did an extensive research project on polyamous and polygamist families and I have a real respect for their lifestyle. I read a lot of their blogs and revel in the idea of how well that lifestyle works for some people. Its not for me, I couldn't imagine having to share, much like Hera... my jealousies would be far to much for me to get past.

And now, in honor of May is Masturbation Month...
5. After you masturbate, do you taste your cum? Do you like the taste of you?

Hm, I don't. I guess I never even thought of it. I do enjoy tasting myself on Atlas' lips or on his cock as I will sometimes alternate between fucking and sucking him... but as for tasting myself for the sole purpose of it, I don't and I don't really see any purpose to it.

6. Do you like to masturbate in front of someone else? Does that heighten your arousal or are you indifferent?

I have not masturbated in front of someone. I am rather shy when it comes to it, I would not be totally against it as I have sent pictures to atlas before I just have never done it with someone watching on. I could imagine that it would probably start off as masturbation but I don't believe I would be able to finish myself off and would probably need a hand... ;)


7. Have you ever been caught masturbating? By whom?

Can't say that I have been caught but even if I was caught I don't think it would be that bad I would probably just laugh at the idea of being "caught" in my own house in my own bed. I have been caught having sex once by my mother, once by my sister, and once by my daughter... I know you'd think we would learn... the only one that actually walked in the room was my daughter and she was only 2 so there was no strange or awkward explaining to do...

Its hard to be sad

I feel sad when i am at home and I think about everything that is going on.
Then I go and see my mom, she's out pulling weeds, she is cleaning house, doing laundry...
She makes no excuses, she is just the same as she has ever been.... only 30 pounds lighter...

She makes me feel stronger, she makes me smile... I need to be strong for her, We need to be there for eachother.

So it seems

It looks like my mom has stage 4 ovarian cancer... if you dont know its not good, its not a good prognosis... I am going to lose my mom... we just don't know how much time we have so I am trying to make it in to see her every other day... I just can't do every day... I can't... her case is beig presented to a tumor board on tuesday which will give us the exact plan the options and what to expect. My schooling has taught me not to expect much. Stage 4... maybe 6 months maybe more maybe less...
Have I mentioned she is only 47?

Yeah... So... she wants to do Chemo... How do you tell someone you love that life isnt worth fighting for? I know what chemo does to people, it kills the good cells and the bad, she is gonna lose her hair, have nausea, diarhhea, vomiting, mouth sores, fatigue, malaise... I know these symptoms but there is much more... and its more personal when its your own mother. I feel like she shouldnt do it, maybe chemo will give her a few more months... but she will be sick horrible months... When I think stage 4, I think comfort, I think pain control, I think enjoy them... and I enjoy my mother... she is an amazing woman... I brought her home from the hospital yesterday and she sarted doing laundry, and sweeping the garage because she knew she was going to have company later that evening... Its hard to be upset when she wants to fight it, when she believes she can beat it... but anyone in the medical field knows... I have hope but deep down that gut feeling is there...

Im sad, Im broken hearted... but my grandma, who lives with me is hurting far worse than any of us girls... she buried 2 husbands and a man that she idolized for 10 years... She does not deserve to bury a child. No one does...

But I have hope. My mother is the strongest person I know. She is the toughest person I have ever met... and I am not saying that because its my mom.. the doctor told me that she is a walking miracle... that she shouldnt be here... She has an iron will... if she wants to fight... I will support her and help her becuase I believe that she can... the hard part is knowing if I can handle the fight right along with her...

What's eating you

I started my last semester of nursing school. I graduate in August with my BSN, I just couldn't concentrate today. My mom had a colonoscopy, an endoscopy and paracentisis done today and she will go home tomarrow hopefully with a plan. They are pretty sure that it is Ovarian cancer that has moved to the bone. Which is not a surprise because ovarian cancer is usually not diagnosed until it has moved somewhere else... So... good news is, the rest of her organs look good... good news is both types of cancer are beatable... its not like hearing brain cancer, or lung cancer.... which are a lot scarier but the word Cancer still is hard. I shudder when I hear myself say it outloud, its like if i don't say that word it seems less real... but its oh so real... and I am scared for her, Im selfishly scared for me because I dont know what I would do without her. Without my morning and evening phone calls and shes the first person I call when I dont know how to do something... I just can't imagine what it would be like to not have that... It will be nice for her to get home and be able to rest, be with her dogs. Shes not going back to work... at least not anytime soon so I am hoping that she is able to apply for disability, either that or I will be able to take on at least some of the finanical burden, at least for awhile.

Right now I am in a jam setting up babysitters because my gram who usually lives with me is at home and will be there for awhile to take care of my mom.

Searching

I have done a lot of "soul searching" the last few days since my mother's diagnosis. Not that it is determined how far or how bad it really is yet but having an ill parent really makes you question your own mortality. My mother is young, she's only 47... Yes, she drinks, she smokes, she has her entire life but so does a lot of people. Its not that we have a family history, or bad genetics its just that it happened I guess... So we are still awaiting more test results to really know the details and come up with a plan of action but the last 4 years of school has taught me not to lean too far to the hoepful end yet.

My mom and I both went to the doctor on the same day. I had my annual girl exam that I did not go to last year because at 26, been monogamous for 7 years, 2 perfect children never had an issue... well my pap came back abnormal... Great... just what i needed to hear two days after my mother is diagnosis with ovarian cancer. So I have another follow up with the GYN in a week. I haven't told anyone, I dont want to freak anyone out because its probably nothing but it just puts things in perspective.

My mom did a good job with us girls. There are me and two sisters, Im the oldest... All graduated high school two of us have degrees, two of us are proudly serving our country in the military, no one pregnant out of wedlock, no one addicted to drugs or bad habits. She did a good job basically on her own. She was successful at what was important to her, us... She is a good person you wouldnt believe the out pouring of love that has come out of this, I had two phone calls today from people I don't know and have never met who want to make her car payment this month and next since she is not going to be able to work... There are "tip jars" at two local clubs that she had worked at previously. to try and offset some of the bills she is going to have... there has been an ever growing line at the hospital and her phone has been ringing incessently. She is loved by everyone she has met and it is so great to see the impact she has had on these people.

I am frustrated with what my life situation is right now but I am thankful that I am able to do the things I am. I am not much in the mood for TMI Tuesday but am hoping to start feeling up to things again soon. I know not many read but to those who do... Thank you.

My mom is in the hospital... She has cancer... not sure how bad yet... but if I had to guess I would say that it is not good... Im sad... I am not ready to be without her yet... not yet... Happy Mother's Day...

TMI Tuesday

1. LUST (excessive sexual appetites): Besides your current significant other, for whom do you lust or who have you lusted for in the past? Does your significant other know about your lustful desires?
I have a pretty extensive list of Lusts.... my significant other knows of most... Katy Perry, Scarlett Johansson, Halle Berry, Jessica Beil, Mina Kunis... men change depending on the mood I am in... Hugh Jackmman, Brad Pitt ( Fight Club)... men I meet or see.... I am a fairly Lustful person.

2. GLUTTONY (over-indulgence): What food brings out your inner glutton?
I can honestly say I am fairly good when it comes to food. Over-indulgence... Id have to say that when i drink I often crave something horrible and greasy, fries, a steak hoagie, fried cauliflower or mushrooms... I don't drink often thank goodness or it would probably become a...ahem... larger issue.

3. GREED (avarice): When it comes to sex, what are you greedy for? When it comes to things, what is it that you want more than your need or deserve?
As far as sex goes I am fairly greedy just for sex... I am 4 times a week plus kinda girl and if I don't get some kind of lovin on a regular basis I get fairly moody and aggitated. Its not that I even need to get off, I just want to feel that connection. When it comes to things... hm... want more than I need, I have a large house and I don't need it, I have two small children and a grandmother living with us and we have not been downstairs ( which as a huge game room, living room, bed room, pantry, complete bathroom, and extra room) in 3 months. I also bought a brand new car, that I don't need but I wanted SOOOOO bad... I grew up without a lot of things, and now that I am sucessfully an adult with a decent income, I feel I kinda deserve them. *ouch I sound like a bitch*

4. SLOTH (idleness/procrastination): Name a task or activity in which you perpetually procrastinate?
Homework... Nursing school has been the longest three years of my life... I keep putting homework off and putting it off, it gets done in time and done well but if I have to write one more nursing diagnosis related to... manifested by.... I may pull my hair out.

5. WRATH (anger) is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury.
a. Describe a time that you were very angry?
It takes a lot for me to get angery. A few posts ago I mentioned a situation where I was extremely anger with Atlas for acting like a small boy however my anger only lasts for moments because being angery is not going to solve any problems and will just make everyone feel worse in the long run.

b. Have you ever been so angry that you thought about revenge? Did you seek it?
Thought about it yes, done it no... At least not recently. In high school I think I stole my best friend's boyfriend because she did something to me. I dont remember I didn't even like him, but it wasn't hard to convince him that he liked me more than her. Stupid boys.

6. ENVY (jealousy): Who or what do you envy? Why?
I have to agree with *GoodWill* on this one. I envy those who are completely sexually free. I express what I want often but I think i still sometimes censor myself to what is comfortable for the sake of not "opening that can of worms". I sometimes envy those who do not have small children. Yes I know having children is a blessing and I am blessed, they are healthy happy beautiful individuals... but I can't just pack up for the weekend and go away, or even go out for drinks at night if I want to. I had children young, and early in our marriage and I think enjoying eachother would of been nice too... Atlas once said to me " I love the way you are with the kids, you are a great mother, but sometimes i miss my wife".


7. PRIDE (vanity) is the love of one’s own excellence, and it is considered the worst of the 7 Deadly Sins.
a. When preparing to meet a lover, what are you most vain about?
b. What sexual skill are you overly proud and boastful about?
c. What part of your body are you proud of, boastful about?

a. Hm, well... I usually take a nice long shower, clean up, make sure everything is clean and well smooth and I like to smell nice. Perfume a push up bra, a low cut shirt, and a pair of jeans that fit just right....

b. Ha. I give good head... I am, I am embaressly bad with just my hands but add my mouth and it will not take long to get where we are going.

c. I love my boobs!!! After nursing 2 children for the duration of 4 years I had a breast augmentation last march as a gift to myself and I LOVE the results. Not too big, not small, round, SOFT, look and feel natural... I like them so much I play with them :)



Bonus: What sin do you think is your greatest virtue? For example, what bad thing makes you more appealing?

My Anger that is often resolved quick fast and in a hurry... Although when I am angry I am a horrible bitch, it is very short lived.

Bored out of my mind... is never good

Atlas is out of town for the week, and not on business. He is out with his dad, and uncle, and cousins, and the rest of the boys on a quad trip. I am at home holding down the fort and finishing up my second to last semester of school. Gosh I am feeling that creeping resentment feeling coming to me though and that is where boredom is not good for me.

I get stressed with kids, dogs, goats, and my family in general and then I get aggitated that I am carrying all the weight while he is out playing. My mom is sick, they dropped the C word yesterday and "slight chance" so I am keeping my fingers crossed till her biopsy results come back but I have a feeling the news is not going to be great. You don't get away with smoking a pack a day and drinking everyday for 30 years with a handshake and a prize. I also went and had my yearly girl exam and everything seems to be in working order. Not that I doubted but its nice to know that there are no unseen issues going on. I

I am up for conversation with someone over the age of five and not related to any nursing diagnosis or care plans please. So let me know whats going on out there, praying for Alabama and those hit with storms this week.

HNT No camera

o... I had to do some weird cropping since I had a small child on my lap. But this is from last summer and I am looking forward to hot weather, tans, and spending some time on the water.

Happy HNT!

Sad

My dogs killed one of my goats today. I am so broken hearted over it, I wasn't home, Atlas wasn't home, just my grandmother, and she was not able to get the dogs to stop. We were all fishing and she called crying saying the dogs were killing Rudy. By the time we got home he was already gone... I can't even look at the dogs... but that is what they were historically bred for, to chase down and kill wild large game... We buried Rudy at the bottom of our yard next to a big tree... My other goats seem like they are doing okay, they seem like they are still looking for him, although they were all witness to it. Im so sad... they are just like a family member....

It continues

So I pick Atlas up in town and he asks if I still want to go to the hockey game. Well Duh, we did pay good money for the tickets and I am going to have a good time in spite of him. So we go to the arena and park. I lay my chiar back with my sunglasses on and decide I want to take a nap. 20 minutes later I wake up, Atlas is sitting in the driver's seat, staring out the window tears running his cheeks.
- I don't feel like I should be here
- Well we are here and we are going to have a good time
- I feel like you are only here with me so you don't have to go to the game alone.
- Well... kind of. I want to have fun though.
- I ruined the trust that you had in me, and now our relationship will never be the same.
- No, it will be fine, just give me some time to get over it . *** to be completely honest, by this point I was already over it, Nothing had happened, not really, I cried, I yelled, I swore, and doing more of any of the above wasn't go to change the fact that it happened and it wasn't going to make the situaion any better****

So we go to the game. I never realized it but I guess I didn't touch Atlas the entire game, minus a high five for a goal. Not intentional but I guess I just wasn't that into him at the time. On the way home he was driving and said
- I know you dont want to talk about it but i have to, i have this huge knot in my stomach, like I am going to be sick.
-okay...?
- Will you ever be able to forgive me?
- Sure I will... if the situation was reversed would you forgive me
- I don't know if i could, thats why I am so sick over this, I just wish you would punch me or yell at me or something.
- Its not going to get us anywhere, its not worth fighting over, its done its over its in the past, lets just move on *** Yes this is really how I am***
-I am so sorry *Hera* Please give me the oppertunity to earn your trust
-okay...

And that was the end of it. We came home instead of going for drinks, Atlas went to get a shower and I said I was going to too, and he said he would wait and I told him he could shower with me. This of course goes on to be the most intimate and passionate sex that we have ever had in 7 years of marriage... I wake up the next morning wrapped in his arms.

How it all went down

Atlas and I get along better than 98 percent of couples that I have met in my life. We have similar interests, goals, ideas on life. But one thing that differs is our perceptions of what is "just fun" and what is wrong. So I did a bunch of basic household things Friday and finally sat down to sign on to the computer. When I open my laptop, it is signed into Atlas' facebook site. So as I go to sign off, a little message pops up on the bottom " how do i know you" it was from Atlas to a girl... meaning I accidentally opened his page, while he is on his page at work. I start to type "sorry this is just atlas' wife, i signed on his account by accident" then I see it is Atlas who had asked... Interesting... because we know this girl... not personally but had heard stories. Two nights earlier at a poker game, all these guys were talking about how she is their designated blow job girl, they give her some money and she does whatever you want... stories that go alittle deeper than that but none the less, you get the idea of who she is... Atlas never talked to her before, she was a facebook friend because they are from the same hometown i guess.

So I signed off never even thought anything of it. Then I am doing something a little later and sign back on, catch in mid conversation
-are you accepting new customers
-always accepting
-any restrictions? like marriage **** my heart jumps into my throat... REALLY?***
--i've had some married guys
-This would have to be completely confidental
- always LOL
-where does something like this tape place
-their house or mine
-well it can't be mine!
-I figured lol then mine in L******
- how much notice do you need, how much does this cost
-depends on what you desire
-depends on what you offer **** Yes I managed to keep it together long enough to get all of this information plus copy it, save it and burn it to a CD, Im not a stupid girl by any means*****
- text me ( number included) I am on my work computer
-okay

At this point I am late to head to the city to pick up Atlas at work to go to the NHL playoff game. I jump in the car, grab my phone and text Atlas, find someone else to go to the game with. he asked how far out i am, i say "sitting in front of the computer"
***phone rings***
What are you talking about
_ wht do you think I am talking about.
- i have no idea,
- I don't even have words, find someone else to go to the game with, get your truck and find somewhere else to stay tonight because I don't want to see you today
*** He's speechless, he knows I saw***
- What? What do i do to deserve this?
-Nothing, absolutely nothing *** in shock I can hear it in his voice***
- you are a fucking asshole, i can't even believe what i read, do you really need to go elsewhere for something? **** we have a very active sex life, like 4+ a week its hard for me to imagine he needs anyhting from anyone else***
-no, it was just fun, you heard the other guys talking
- well it looked pretty fucking real...

Okay to save time, insert a lot of yelling, crying and swearing as I drive. Not the best choice I ever made but a choice I made none the less. So I drove to the city to pick up Atlas, When I say I am gonna do something I do it regardless, its just the kind of person I am. I wasn't happy to be picking him up, I didn't want to see him, I was not joking when I told him not to come home.

I just spent the last 45 minutes trying to wrangle my goats outside, Have you ever looked at your life and said... " really is this me?" To be continued

I'm broken into a million pieces

But I can hold it together with duct tape, super glue and maybe a few captain and cokes... I need to update... I need to vent...

Poly... what?

So I watch big love... and sisterwives... and i follow polygamy blogs and what not. Its not for me, not now, at this point in my life. But I can truly see the appealing parts of it, more than one wife means more than one mother, more than one perosn to make lunches, or to babysit or to help out when needed... but ti also means, more than one situation that had its own set of situations.

I never heard about that lifestyle or any other until long after I was married. I could never be a "first wife" the thought of sharing Atlas, even through text messages makes me nuts but if this wasn't my life... I believe I have the ability that I would of made a great 2nd or 3rd wife.

Okay I see what you are thinking... how can you share? Well if you go into a relationship knowing... knowing is the key.... that you have to share, that the money, time, and attention will be shared then you have joined that relationship just like someone joins a monogamous relationship thinking its going to be just two people throughout all time.

Atlas and I are perfect. We have our issues just like every other couple but we see past them, most of them at least. We are truly a team, and work together to achieve both of our goals... but if atlas told me he was in love with another and he wanted both of us... I would leave... however If I went into the relationship knowing that someone else was in love with other people then it might work? Am I making sense?

Anyway... I am so happy that some of the polyamorous, polygamy families are getting more publicity and more understanding... If they are all consenting adults, and it works... then why not?

In other news... I was up sick on Tuesday morning around 3am, so I checked the phone that was closest sitting ont he dresser to find Text messages from atlas to another woman around 11 pm... Nothing important... basics " what are you doing" "just laid down u" "playing poker" and that was it... should I take it as more or an I overreacting? Given our electronic past... I am hesitant... saddened by it a bit... worried... not really... after 7 years of nearly perfect marriage i ahve very little to worry about... but still.... what it..

Some people just don't get it

So... I haven't blogged in... aw forever but Atlas is out of town and as I vented to him via texted I realized he just doesn't get it... When the response to " I am so overwhelmed I don't know what to do" is " I will help. When I can." I gave up the hope that he actually understood where I was coming from. Any fulltime mother, and fulltime worker understands sometimes you just need a break. I am taking 25 credits this semester... did i mention that? Am I insane? No, it was an accident and after it was paid for its either do it or eat the 3800$.

Next up is my live in grandmother who god bless her helps witht he kids while I spend tuesday and thursday at clinicals that are 2 hour drive away from the house... yes 4 hour commute a day twice a week but she is kinda driving me nuts. Sometimes its worse than having another small child. At least I can beat the child right... okay maybe not entirely true but you get the point. A good example of how my day went, get up unload dishwasher, reload start, go to laundry room, move clothes from washer to dryer load washer start. Wake up daughter, dress her pack her lunch. Get dressed myself, pack my things for school, check daughters bag for school, forget breakfast, make toast, drive daughter to preshcool, walk her in, drive myself 40 minutes to school, park 1 mile from my class, catch a commuter bus to the main campus and then go to a 50 minute class. Yes 50 minutes. leave class, catch another communter bus back to my car, drive 40 minutes home, get home, make lunch for son and I. Start homework. Go pick u daughter at preschool, go to rite aid to get meds for grandmother, go to grocery store for finishing touches for dinner, return home, vaccuum livingroom, bedroom, and kitchen, finish homework, start dinner, make everyone's plate including grandmother, clean up dinner, my plate in sink kids plates scrapped adn in sink, put away left overs and I look over and grandmother's plate is still sitting on the table, she is outside on her phone. When she comes in, I am in the landry room folding cloths, "I'm done" she says and goes into her room. So what do I do? Walk her clean cloths into her room, take my laundry into my room and leave her plate fork knife and glass sit on the clean table... Excuse me... but I am beat!

Here's the other thing on my mind... My mother just got home from vacation in Flordia... My uncle and aunt returned last week from the Bahamas... I don't want to hear about your vacation... I have not had a vacation since I joined my job 7 years ago... Atlas and I make six figures but can't find the time to get away on a decent vacation... Maybe he just isn't trying...

I feel lost...